The Marrero Chronicles

02:16:2021

Yes I know, it's been a while. What can I say? Life is throwing me for a loop these days. A hazy confusing drunkenly resembling loop. Valentine's Day has just passed and it motivated me to write more than all of the bullshit I've had to deal with for the past few weeks has. I try to make this specific journal-like book of mine as positive as I can be while being blatantly honest about my trauma and my pain. If you've been here from the start, you know I don't sugarcoat things. I'm in pain...a lot. Sometimes all I can do is sit in here and rant about it to no one or everyone in particular. It just provides such a sense of liberation when I feel like my emotions are being acknowledged and heard. Sometimes I think and ask myself if any of it makes any sense. Perhaps it doesn't.

Who's to say I haven't gone insane already? It would explain the constant random surges of anger that come out of nowhere. It'd explain the heart wrenching hysterical "burn as I fall" tears that play on my face for no reason at all. For once in my life everyone's horrid voice echoes into my ears and I hear it... 'you'll never be loved'...

Does that hurt..? I don't know if it can. Hopefully I've been hurt so many times without failure that I could consider myself impervious to it. Maybe that's why I'm feeling so numb...

I wrack my brain all day trying to motivate myself to write more, to talk to whoever's reading this. Do you understand me? I'll begin to write and I'll erase it. Brilliance! *erases it* Why am I doing that? It's so frustrating. An entry that used to take me approximately fifteen minutes drags on for hours, possibly days. 308 words and counting, but how soon will I get to my goal of 1000? Will it be today?

Hey you! Can you see the future? Does it ever get better? Better than anything is right now. I saw a guy on social media laughing at a meme someone posted about COVID never being over and comparing it to the stereotypical phrase "men will change" . I admit it was pretty sexist but I understood the humor behind that. That's how I feel. Everyone says it will get better, it will be over soon...but when? It feels like never. Like I'm reaching out desperately for it and it's a thousand miles away. Gravity pulls it further and further away from me and it isn't fair. Everyone wants to be happy and I get to watch my cloud of happiness float away before my very eyes.

I'm crying again, this time I don't know why but it isn't that much of a surprise considering it's been happening a lot lately. It burns. I'm so confused. I'm so lost. Everyone says having hope is a good thing and it feels good. Fucking liars. I don't feel good. I feel indebted somehow to myself. I'm trying to provide my soul with this bright beacon of positivity and failing quite epically. My life has been in such a stand still lately. It's been so boring and lonely. One of the only good things that have been going on was getting to see my partners on Valentine's Day. We didn't really do anything at all except for eating and sitting in the truck, but it felt good being in their company. I missed them a lot. I wish every day could have felt like yesterday. Genuine love and happiness. It's better than sex.

You'd think I'm joking, but I'm not. I'm a young woman of course so you'd expect me to be swooning over every relationship I place myself in, you'd expect women like me to be raving on about how hot my significant others are and discuss details of our sex life with my friends, but I'm not that type of woman. One thing I crave more than sex is love.

That feeling you get when you're laying on the couch with your head in their lap staring at the ceiling and chatting excitedly about where the relationship is going in your future with them, and how famished they are to be able to hold you at night and lap up every ounce of affection from your heart from which love is effortlessly spilling out of and enveloping each other. Feeling the warmth of their skin and breathing in the scent of them as you drift of peacefully into sleep after a hard day. Even when love falls on tough times and untrue words are expressed and you see a tear fall from their eyes and you see the hurt flashing in them. Even in moments like that there's no doubt that you're in love. You might have said something you didn't mean, but they both knew you didn't mean it. Making up after fights, cooking buttery biscuits in the morning, getting dressed together before heading off to work and giving a chaste kiss as they hurry to their cars to work eight hours a day to feed the savings account you've all been making and contributing to together.

That among many other significant memories and goals are things I genuinely crave for. The closeness that love gives you. It feels like everything good swimming around your head and you take every step with confidence and motivation. Love does some amazing shit to me.

Love is what keeps me going.
Without the love in my heart, it would truly undeniably remain eternally and painfully empty.