The Marrero Chronicles

02.23.21

How is this fair to me? I'm not understanding. My mind is spinning and drifting from you because I feel this huge disconnect and you didn't seem to care. Do you feel as though you acknowledged it simply by responding to my texts? You told me you were working. All you ever do is work. All to find out that you take her with you to work, sleep at her house, ignore my text messages. I know you're ignoring me. You do it to her all the time. Am I fucking stupid?

The more I seem to express my dedication for you, the more you seem to want nothing of me despite you begging me months back to open up. I feel invisible with you right now, and it isn't fair. Once upon a time you displayed your interest in me. Now? I feel as if I am an afterthought. A backup. What happened to equality in our relationship? You wanted a throuple. You obtained a throuple, and it feels like you're going back and forth from deciding who is more  worthy of your time than the other. No, I am not jealous. I am pissed off. I feel like a second option, a side chick rather than a partner. I treat you both equally. I feel cheated. I feel scammed.

I don't know what to say to you. Am I overthinking? I tend to do that a lot. What would it take for you to just show me that you care? That you think I'm beautiful? That you want to spend time with me. Perhaps you're losing interest. Perhaps I should begin to detach from you so if you leave, it hurts less than it would if I was too attached. I feel like you've already checked out, and I'm just existing in the relationship because you both can't admit that you don't want me anymore. I feel so out of place. Everyone told me this would happen eventually.

I'm beginning to feel like I should have listened...

But at the same time I feel that it is better that I go through this heartache to learn from this. It's better to know now that this isn't what you wanted with me than it would be to find out in five years after we've began to have children and moving in together. It just hurts. I tend to jump into relationships for fear of overthinking and letting my head get in the way...maybe this time I should have allowed myself to overthink. Perhaps I would have realized all of this sooner and I wouldn't be so hurt right now.

Looking back on our relationship now I'm noticing so much. You didn't want to take pictures with me. You didn't want to have serious conversations. You blamed me for a lot of things. You used my insecurities against me. I don't understand why you would do that to me. Did you just want to juggle two women? Is that what happened? You weren't happy with her alone so you thought adding a consensual side chick was the solution? Is that what I am to you? That makes me feel sick to my stomach. That makes me feel so insignificant.

Ugh. I don't know what else I could say except for the fact that I feel like you're a liar. You told me you'd never hurt me or treat me like any of my partners in the past and you lied. I forgave you, we gave it another shot and now you're lying again? You're distracting yourself with work and long car trips just to have an excuse not to talk to me. Don't think I don't notice it..

Everyone is probably saying "hon you did this to yourself, we all warned you." but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I've always fantasized of having the type of love that beats all the odds. The couple that stays together somehow if by yet a true love miracle despite them being not at all what each other had in mind for the other. Is it only possible in movies?

What is it? Is it me? Is it because I'm too fucking damaged and you just don't want to say it because we were friends first? I have intimacy issues and abandonment issues and daddy/mommy issues and you just don't want to admit I'm too much? You can't seem to handle me at all. What am I doing? This is unfair to me.

Was my grandparents right when they said me loving myself and getting better will drive you away? I wanted them to be wrong. All I ever did was encourage and support you with your goals and dreams. I expected growth. I'm sensing resentment. I don't like this. You're disgusting me. You never actually talk to me, do you even know me? Besides my "basic favorites" and all my trauma, do you see who I really am? I'm more than a wilted flower. I'm hurt that my improving self worth is causing you both to slowly fade away. It's a shame because I've said all of this to you and I never get a response back...and you both don't read. I'm a writer..and you don't read anything I write because you don't like it or my writing isn't interesting enough. I feel gutted. Frustrated.

I loved you for who you are, why is it such a problem that I expected and yearned for your reciprocation?