The Marrero Chronicles

02.24.21

It's registering now. It hurts.

It took a day to process this diagnosis. My doctor was concerned. "You've went your whole childhood without being diagnosed?" Her eyes widened. Her voice sounded of worry and sympathy. "Oh sweetie, don't worry. We will fix this. I'm sorry." Fix...? It's that word again. Fix. As if there's a piece of me that I've been missing that they just found to glue back on. As if I've been incomplete all of this time. Fix. A remedy for broken things. Fix. Clarifying there has been something wrong with me my entire life.

My entire life, I felt so abnormal. So out of place. So confused. So lost. This is why? That's not fair. The way she sat in her chair and leaned closer, her eyes softening with her head tilted. "Sweetheart, what happened to you..?" I wanted to cry. So much.

Too much has happened to me. I thank the lavender in my mask for calming me down enough to be able to speak. It isn't fair. It wasn't right. My head was spinning, my mouth unmoving as I heard bits and pieces of what she said.

"Medical neglect."
"Medication plan."
"Yes, it's severe."

It's severe. As if I needed to hear it? I've felt it for...forever. I'm speechless. I'm crying. I begged my mother to explain to me why I was this way.
"It's just puberty."
"You're just too sensitive."
"You're lazy."
"You don't work hard enough."
"You need to start fucking applying yourself!"
"You'd be successful if you'd just TRY!"
"You don't do your best!"
"Stop getting in your head!"
"You're too dramatic."
"It's not a big deal."
"You're depressed? Do something with your life then."
"You let it control you."
"You're too afraid of the world."
"You're acting crazy."
"That doctor doesn't know what they were talking about."
"You don't have that."
"You need to grow up!"
"Smile more."
"Your doctor lied to you."
"I'm not going to pay a doctor to tell you what's wrong when I already know- you're my daughter!"

So you knew? Despite all of my pain, you happily kept it from me? You knew I needed the medication. You fucking bitch! You let me suffer! Did you like it? Are you happy? You were right! I am mentally unstable and I have been my entire life and you KNEW. 

What the fuck! I still want to hate you, and I can't.
You did more than not listen. You watched your daughter struggle. You kept your mouth shut to save money. You sat there! You WATCHED me cry, scream, hyperventilate, disassociate, and try to kill myself and you still never told me.

You were the worst fucking mother. I resent you. I resent you!

........................................................................

A/N

I know this was short and the dates don't match up but I wrote this a bit ago and assumed I'd add something to it and I just couldn't. Not all my chapters are going to be able to be longer like usual because sometimes I just dont know what to say.