The Marrero Chronicles

12: 19: 20

I haven't been able to write in a while because of generally feeling overwhelmed and out of words. It's hard to explain how exactly this feels. It doesn't get any easier when my life is beginning to present new challenges all the time. I spent some time away from home and saw my dad for a couple weeks. Since then the unbearable pain in my chest seemed to have disappeared, something I'm very grateful for. Christmas is right around the corner now and I'm trying to feel confident that my favorite holiday of the year won't be negatively affected by my recent estrangements.

It's hard, getting to these strong dead ends. I still feel stuck, and lost. I don't know what to do about anything. I...just don't have the words right now. Is that okay? To feel silent..? I wouldn't know. Being silent is something I've grown up getting used to, but let's face it. Nowadays I speak my truth. I've become such a blunt and forward woman because I don't tolerate the bullshit anymore. It's not fair how I have so much to say and still not know how to speak. I feel like screaming. If you've been reaching out to me, and I haven't responded to your texts or your emails...it's simply because I just don't know how right now. The other day I watched a short video on social media about a girl explaining that the people in the world with the lowest of the lows, end up experiencing the world record for the highest of highs in their lifetime. I want to believe that to be true. I want to know and feel confident that all of this suffering and pain has been driving in a secret tunnel of success and happiness this entire time and I just haven't noticed because it's dark outside and there's fog concealing the sunlight at the end.

A part of me believes it.

But the other part? The other part of me thinks that girl was speaking lies. I have a close friend that experienced the absolute lowest of the lows, and she never got her happy ending. She's not even here anymore because the pain consumed her to death. I know that isn't everyone's fate, but could it be mine..? We endured a lot of the same things and dealt with them in very similar ways. That could have been me. Could it still be...? Only God (if he is even there) really knows. I hope for a brighter future than hers. I wish for it on every 11:11 star. A lifetime of memories and wonderful milestones. To be in love and enter marriage, to bear children and build our successes together to have a beautiful home and a large warm-hearted family of my own. To get promotions and celebrate anniversaries and watch our children become good people and start lives of their own. I wish for that. I want that.

I'm sure my friend wanted that too...but she never got it. She never got a happily ever after. She got a white casket and roses on her grave. She got a memorial and had the soft earth above her wept on as her family and friends mourned her in the warm summer's daylight. She got an obituary on the internet, and a day dedicated to her loss. Her life ended before it began, and she will always be frozen at sixteen in a different place than we. That's what isn't fair. That's what holds me back, the knowledge that happy endings sometimes aren't served even when they are earned.

I know it might seem silly to some people to allow that to hold someone back, but I follow her mother on social media and I read every day about how depressed and broken and lost she is without her daughter. How sudden everything in her life changed. It made me realize that it can happen to everyone. I tell myself now that I need to live the way I desire to because of that. Anything can disappear. For anyone that wants to travel the world, get married young, have children, pursue their dreams, I want you to do it. Why? Because you might have a steady job, and a faithful partner, and a good balanced checkbook. You might have a perfect GPA and a set plan for your life that you feel you should stick to, but what's the point of living if you're living a life you didn't pick for yourself? Your years are limited and you never know how long you have. You never want to leave this world with a frown on your face and feeling like you never really did anything you wanted to before your time here was over. You want to depart happily and satisfied. In the body you appreciate, with the memories you cherish, and the people you love.

I guess what I'm trying to say is to do whatever your heart desires because if we all have to die one day, we should die happy.