The Marrero Chronicles

03.23.21

I haven't written anything in such a long time. I feel like I always start my chapters off this way. About a week or two ago, I got a tarot reading saying someone from my past would come back into my life. It freaked me out because I didn't know know who it would be. I kept it in the back of my mind as I just continued on with my life, and the past two days have been proven the most strange of days I've ever lived.

A couple months ago I sent out personalized apologies to those I had wronged growing up under my mother's manipulation. Of course I don't assume it justifies anything but I wanted to do the right thing. Two days ago I got a text message from not only one person from my past, but two. One of my former best friends, and my first love whom I barely remember as nothing more than a best friend I had lost. I know what you must be thinking. How is it possible to recognize someone as a familar and barely remember who they were in your life? Here's a short answer. As a trauma response, my brain has blocked out a lot of my life, and he wasn't the only person I couldn't remember. Because of everything I had been going through as a kid, blocking out the pain and those memories seemed worth it at the time  because I didn't think I'd miss anything from that period in my life. But, I was wrong.

It has torn my mind apart not remembering things, and I don't know if I will ever get those memories back. After being enveloped by darkness and pain, I appreciate the good things in life no matter how small they are. I value it, cling to it even. My desperation for my mind to reach peace has cursed me with the lost memories everyone has except for me and it hurts not remembering or understanding what my life was.

I had it in my mind that it'd be a possibility to pursue a friendship now that my mother wasn't in my head, but again I was wrong. I expected myself to feel some sense of pain with that news, but I'm feeling something different. I'd like to believe it to be closure after all of this time. Now all of the "what ifs" are gone. I closed one friendship to forge and renew another and that's okay. Everything was so muddy and foggy. "Why do you care?"

I didn't know. All I knew and all I still know is that most of my memories are gone and I remember having a friend in him. A part of me wondered what life would be like if we were still friends, and I suppose that is what drew me in. The bold question mark where my intuition should have been.  The only light I knew in my dark dark world growing up. With the pain I've gone through, it makes you never wanting to give up or lose anything good ever again, but in the end it wasn't an option to have, and I expected myself to be more beaten down by it. I'm choosing to tell myself that I've recognized a life lesson in this somewhere.

Maybe I was right about being a freak who can't break bonds. I'm just glad I've recognized that things from my past aren't present day solutions. I have to work through my mind alone, and that's okay. Will it hurt? Yes, I'm afraid so but it's vital. I need my memories back. Everything I've blocked out, I need to remember it. I'm sick of people in my life talking about things I can't remember. Good things especially. My mind has done me somewhat of a disservice. I want to understand where all of this pain and yearning for specific things came from.