The Marrero Chronicles

04. 16. 21

A couple months ago, I'd never think I'd be in such an amazing place. In less than half a year, I've accomplished most people have difficulty accomplishing in a decade. I've found the love of my life. I've done a lot of healing, and I've been kinder and more uplifting about myself. The intimacy issues and PTSD I've struggled with for years has gotten better. I never thought I'd hear myself admit to loving my body, and here it is; this confession, and I couldn't feel more ecstatic and proud for myself. I used to hate the feeling of smiling because I was so ashamed of my tooth condition that I'd do my best to keep my smile hidden. I would look at my body in utter disgust, hating to see the stretch marks, the scars, the rough patches of my skin in my reflection. The way none of my clothes hung on me right. How thick my hair is, always yearning for it to just be thinner. I beat myself up for my breasts not being more perky and "inviting" and for not having a perfect ass all the girls talk about as they'd flaunt in their spandexy lounge sets.

I'd beat myself up for every little thing, and I'm so overjoyed that my reflection doesn't taunt me as much anymore. I have my boyfriend to thank for a part of this journey. Hearing how much good and beauty he had seen in me, it gave me the motivation to see more in myself. I don't think I look beautiful because my boyfriend tells me, no. I know I am beautiful because I'm seeing what he's seen in me for almost six years that I never had until now.

It's a rejuvenating sensation filling my chest with this fresh liberty filling my lungs. To breathe and finally not feel that pesky weight bringing me down, suffocating me. I'm breathing. I'm really breathing! My chest is open, and my shoulders feel free. At last, I feel at peace without desiring death.

I'm not naive. I know the darkness will always be there, but as of right now I've found a way to keep it at bay without it tearing me apart from the inside out. I feel nothing but freedom, love, and confidence and I intend to soak up this feeling for every second I have it and cherish every blessing. The music that used to rip my heart in two is making me feel alive. Every word and each note is spreading this strong surge of empowerment, relief. It's been such a difficult and extensive war with myself, and right now I feel like I'm on the other side of it. The dark thoughts and flashbacks have subsided so much that I feel normal, and I just can't get enough of this feeling.

I had been feeling so lost, so broken, and finally I am regaining my sight. I'm loving myself. Crazy huh? I love the way my hips aren't perfect. I love the way my hair frizzes up no matter what I do with it. I love my eyes and watching them change colors. I love how my stomach isn't flat.

I feel like a baby bird finally fleeing the nest. New sensations, a new adventure, a great exciting chapter to run for. To live for. This is what I've been fearing I'd never have, and knowing I have it, brings me to the most happy tears I have ever shed. I used to fear so much, fear me sharing Makayla's fate. Fearing the darkness consuming me.

I fought back. I did it. I was strong enough. I was brave enough. I absorbed the light and shut the darkness out. I AM FREE.

My god. I am free.

I. Am. Free.   

Do you know those moments in movies where the main character has finally found themselves and they spread their arms out and absorb the outside air, filling their lungs with promise and optimism? That amazing confident intention for good good things. That's how I feel right now. This is one of those moments. I'm proud of this, of myself. For fighting for something I'd thought and believed to be impossible and not in the cards for me. I'm happy, and I'm getting healthier. My life is piecing me together, and each and every day I am finding shards of myself I thought I had forever lost. I don't know if I will ever be fully whole, but I know I am no longer feeling broken and I'm basking in this.

Keep fighting. Keep fighting. Keep fighting. Keep fighting. Keep fighting!

I'm proof that it won't always be so dark. I didn't believe it to be true, but there is a light at the end of the long painful tunnel and it's not the afterlife because I am ALIVE. All of the pain I had endured...it didn't end me..and I thought it would have. Have more hope, more faith in yourself. If I can do it, you can too. When I had lacked the faith in myself for better and brighter things, I had been fighting for the people in my life that begged me to. I didn't want to fight anymore. I wanted to give up. I was so tired. So so tired. I'm so grateful I did right by them and myself. Now I see it.

Now I see me. Everything everyone told me I had to live for that I didn't see or think was enough, I see it now. Proudly. Clearly.

I'm loving it. ♥️