Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind - Treebros

Chapter 28: "Brighter In The Dark"

Thursday, March 14th

The gentle rocking of the car beneath me stops slowly, and I can feel that we're outside of my house. I can't bring myself to pull back from the window I'm curled against, and get out of the car.

Connor's eyes bore into the back of my head. The feeling of his concerned stare lingers, but he doesn't say anything. His thoughts are screaming, louder than the birds and the engine and my heartbeat pounding in my ears. His thoughts are asking questions I can't answer, like 'Why?' and 'What can I do?'.

The rumble of the engine dies, and I feel Connor shift in his seat. My bubble is about to pop.

"You awake?" he whispers, voice soft and heavy with concern that tries to be warm but strangles me.

"Yeah, I'm awake. I'm sorry. I'll, I'll get out of your car," I mumble, robotically unbuckling the seatbelt. I'm not strong enough to look at Connor, so I hang my head down. He doesn't unlock the door.

"Your mom isn't home," he notes. I glance up to see the empty driveway.

"No, I guess she's not." The longer I stay in the car, the more the guilt pulls me down. Connor has things to do and I'm just moping in his car and forcing him to deal with me.

"You doing anything tonight? For your birthday?" he asks. I want to lie on the ground until the earth reclaims me or I get run over by a car.

My birthday's always been a shit day for me. Ever since my 8th birthday, the first birthday I celebrated without a dad, I've felt a deep-set guilt that weighs me down. In recent years, my anxiety forms an alliance with the shame and I feel a sickness that's almost physical.

I can't tell Connor this though. He wouldn't stop bringing it up today, and I can't make him feel bad for something when he's trying hard to make me happy.

"Mom won't be home. She has a shift," I say. That wasn't really an answer, and Connor knows it.

"So you don't have any plans?"

"I might, uh. Order in. Or something," I murmur, twisting my fingers and wishing that my life had been kind enough to grant me the courage to make this easier for myself.

"Would you maybe want to go out somewhere? Anywhere you want," Connor offers, and I allow myself a fleeting glance. His soft smile reassures me so much it hurts. I don't deserve his comfort and worry.

"Like a date?" I ask. I shouldn't go on a date. Connor shouldn't have to go on a date with me. I'll mess it up, just like I mess everything up.

"Sure, if you want to. It's your birthday."

"No, it's okay. I'm sure you have homework and stuff you could be doing instead. I'm sorry. I'm fine, really. It's okay. I really appreciate it but you don't have to," I stammer, trying to open the door even though it's still locked. Connor notices, and makes no move to unlock it.

"Evan. I want to. It's your birthday. I don't want you alone on your birthday. Besides, we've never officially been on a date," he comments. He's trying to be nonchalant, but I get the sense that he doesn't trust me alone.

"You probably have stuff you need to do, I don't want to bother you," I say, trying the door handle again.

"You could never be a bother," Connor insists, his voice picking up, and I can hear the desperation creeping through his calm demeanor.