Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind - Treebros

Chapter 15: "So Painfully Obvious"

Wednesday, November 21st

Okay. Okay.

Just. Walk into the classroom. That's all I have to do, just take a few steps.

After almost a week of forcing myself through this door, it should be a little bit easier. It's not, unfortunately. It actually seems to get harder each time.

Because each time I walk into this room, Connor's there. And he laughs, and smiles, and jokes, and sits next to me. And he doesn't have a clue how happy and exhilarated and nervous it makes me. How happy and exhilarated and nervous he makes me.

All week I've been stumbling and stuttering around him, with no idea how to deal with it. My silly little crush on Zoe is nothing compared to this and it's terrifying. Because Connor's Connor. And I'm me. And he would never like me back. And it would never work.

But, even knowing this, I still feel my heart fluttering every times he smiles at me. Which is way too often.

I should just ignore him. Cold turkey. Turn my back and don't make eye contact ever again. It will crush him, I know, I know how much it will hurt him. But no matter what happens, my feelings for him will hurt more. Nothing good can come of them.

Hesitantly, I creep into the classroom, clutching onto the straps of my backpack and never letting my eyes look up from the floor.

Don't say a word to Connor. Don't look at him. Don't acknowledge him. Save him from the mess I'll inevitably drag him in.

"Hey," he greets when I sit down. Involuntarily, I look up at him before I can wrench my head away. His hair is pulled back into a ponytail, revealing black studs in both ears. My breath rattles inside my chest.

"H-Hi, hey."

Damn it. This would be so much easier if he wasn't hot.

My face heats up. I can't believe I just called him hot. It was in my brain, but still.

"Nice... e-ears?" I stammer, and Connor grins, lightly touching them as if just remembering that they were pierced.

"Thanks. I got them done yesterday, since I'm 18 and I can," he says, and I nervously laugh.

I shouldn't be doing this. I am fully aware that I should not be doing this. Yet, no matter how selfish it is, I can't stop.

Because that's what this is, right? Selfish? Continuing to engage with him, knowing that my feelings will hurt him if I don't stop. Being friends is one thing. Friends cheer from the sidelines, faces painted team colors as they wave around foam hands. But romantic partners have to actually play the game. And my game has a 100% chance of shattering someones spine, or something equally painful.

And Connor would never like me back. I don't know why he hasn't up and left the stadium yet. But if he found out how I felt, he might feel obliged to date me out of pity. That's just how he is. He's too kind for his own good. Not always nice, but definitely kind.

Pushing him away is selfish too, though. No matter what I do, I hurt him. No matter what I do, I'm weak. No matter what I do, I'm a coward. Either I ignore him because it's easier than getting over my feelings, or I continue to indulge myself because I can't bring myself to stop.