𝙰𝚍𝚘𝚛𝚎 𝚈𝚘𝚞 ➳ [𝙻𝚎𝚘𝚗 𝙺𝚞𝚠𝚊𝚝𝚊 𝚡 𝚁𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚎𝚛]

[𝙰𝙳𝙾𝚁𝙴 𝚈𝙾𝚄: 𝚁𝙴𝙻𝙾𝙰𝙳] 𝙲𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚃𝚑𝚛𝚎𝚎: 𝙰 𝚆𝚎𝚎𝚔 𝙱𝚎𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚎

TW: This chapter will contain themes strongly surrounding pregnancy, depression, self harm, and suicide. The scenes containing self harm and suicide will have warnings, but as pregnancy and depression are main parts of the story, there will be no warning for those elements. If you are not comfortable with pregnancy or depression, please refrain from reading. This chapter is extremely centered around addiction is suicide, if you are not comfortable, please refrain from reading entirely.

~—~

I was about a month away from giving birth when I tried to kill myself. A month away from bringing new life to me and Leon, I tried to end my own. I can't say that I know why I did it. I can guess. I guess that I fell deeper into my own blackened version of the world, deep enough that it got the best of me.

It was a week before I tried to kill myself when I began to think of doing it. I started staring at the window, longing for the escape it would give me. I always had my neck turned towards the left when I sat on Leon's bed, staring and wishing, hoping for death.

"Why do you keep staring out the window?" Leon asked, the last Wednesday night before I tried to kill myself.

"It's just all grey outside," I said, "just looking out."

"Okay, babe," he forgave, going back to his book. I started to notice all of the little things, like how it seemed so out of place for someone like him to spend so much time reading. I noticed how he was always moving, even when he was reading, he was wiggling his toes or something. I smiled at the little details, the final hooks that held on to me.

He soon fell asleep, but I didn't. I stared out the window, pondering the consequences of ending my life. I didn't want Leon to go through any pain, and I had to decide whether me being gone would cause him more pain or whether me staying would.

We woke up the next morning and I stayed home. I told Leon I had really bad morning sickness. I wore huge sweatshirts so people never really noticed that I was pregnant. As soon as he left, I pulled a cigarette out of my sweatshirt pocket and began to smoke it. I was super anxious that entire night. I felt on edge and this was the only way I knew how to cope. I felt worse after, because of the thought of hurting my baby, but it was the only way to keep my anxiety from getting worse.

After I finished the first one, I scraped the embers off on the inside of the sweatshirt and cracked the window open. I threw the butt into the street and pulled out another. I smoked it, staring at the cement below. I got jittery and anxious and accidentally dropped it before finishing it. I frantically reached into my pocket to find another one. I couldn't.

I ran down to the parking lot to try and salvage it, but it had already burned out. I quickly got in my car and drove to the Walmart, hoping Dan was there. As I drove, I started to sweat. My hands and arms jittered, and I swerved a tiny but occasionally. I felt myself getting nauseous, but I held it in. I pulled into the parking lot and walked straight to the cash register Dan was standing at.

"Dancanyougetmeapackofmalboros?" I asked quickly.

"Huh?" he replied, confused. I just pointed at the pack of cigarettes in front of my face. "No."

"What?" I asked.

"My manager caught me last time. I'm gonna get fired if I do it again," he said. "And it's definitely not good for you, you look awful."

"C-come on, Dan," I began hopefully, "I need them. Please."

"No," he said. "Please leave."

"D-Dan," I persisted," I-I'll do anything. Anything."