𝙰𝚍𝚘𝚛𝚎 𝚈𝚘𝚞 ➳ [𝙻𝚎𝚘𝚗 𝙺𝚞𝚠𝚊𝚝𝚊 𝚡 𝚁𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚎𝚛]

[𝙰𝙳𝙾𝚁𝙴 𝚈𝙾𝚄: 𝙿𝙷𝙾𝙴𝙽𝙸𝚇] 𝙲𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝙾𝚗𝚎: 𝙰𝚜𝚑𝚎𝚜

1

I sat at the edge of my bed, looking at Aoi's contact on my phone. The tip of my thumb lingered over the call button; it was a gamble to press it. Whether or not she would answer was the first roll of the dice, the second was her mood. Saying the wrong thing would have only driven the wedge further in our relationship, and at this point, all it needed was a nudge to break in two.

I called her anyway. It rung, rung, and rung. Nevertheless, I kept the phone to my ear and uttered a silent prayer that she would meet me halfway. My prayer went unanswered.

"Hey, it's Aoi, I can't come to the phone right now, leave a message...or a donut," the voicemail chirped. I giggled to myself at the fact that she hadn't changed her ringtone since first year.

"Hey, um, it's me. (Y/N). I know that shit's been rough and you probably don't want to talk to me anyways, but, um, I need us to make things right. I can't sleep thinking that my best friend fucking hates me, like, in addition to everything else, it's pushing me towards the edge, I..." I paused. "I didn't mean it like that, Aoi. Uh, it's also part of my new program to, like, right my wrongs and stuff, and I need to start with you, because you're my—"

It cut me off. I sat for a moment, phone to my ear, thinking of how much I had fucked it up. After a few moments, I yelled and threw my phone at the wall. I broke out into a series of screaming sobs. You might think I'm dramatic, but it's moments like these when you realize that you've thrown your entire life away, and there's no one to blame but yourself. It's moments like these when you realize your future is gone, your ex-boyfriend resents you for killing your unborn child, and your best friend wants nothing to do with you because you're a borderline psychopath. In my opinion, that's a pretty damn good reason to scream.

I fell on my side, my head buried in the pillow, and I thought of all the terrible decisions that led me to this very moment. I thought of the fact that I had fucked up my baby because I wanted a smoke. I thought about the fact that, while carrying my own boyfriend's unborn offspring, I decided to swan dive out of a window. I thought about what I had done to Aoi.

I noticed that, in addition to my tears, my pillow was being stained by my drool. Ever since my last overdose, drooling had been a problem for me. It was yet another reminder of the terrible decisions I had made in the past. Hey, you killed a baby, did so much damage to your brain that you can barely do simple mathematical equations, and now you can't keep the spit in your mouth! What a trio!

I wept. I wept and slept. I dreamt of pills and potions and Leon and Aoi and all the other unattainable shit that I had day-dreams of every second of every day. I cried and I crawled, reaching out to them, only for them to turn to dust in my hands. I saw Leon reaching out, a smile on his face for the first time since the funeral, and he turned to dust too. I saw Aoi waving, a donut in her mouth, and I think I heard her say my name, muffled by her food. But then she turned to dust as well, and I was alone, alone in my void, alone with my ashes.

2

I sat in my car in the parking lot of the Walmart. Yes, that Walmart. I checked my phone. 12:30. My interview was at 12:45. I let out a sigh. Was it my first choice for a job? No. Was it the only place that responded to my Indeed submission. Yes.

To pass the time, I scrolled through Instagram. Something about it is so addictive; the sadness you feel when you see someone else living the life you want is really unbeatable. Until you see your ex-boyfriend.

He had posted a picture—fifteen hours ago, apparently—of him batting in a Hope's Peak baseball game. They were going against some international team, maybe Cuba (Hope's Peak can do a lot of things under the table due to its notoriety—apparently playing with a team from Cuba isn't impossible for them), and he was very obviously winning. I scrolled through each picture in the post, one of him swinging, another of him running the bases, and the last was of him and another girl. Her name was Sayaka or something. Ocean blue hair, iridescent blue eyes, apparently blue was her color. Nothing not to love. I was nothing compared to her.