Ignite

Chapter 35

The next few weeks are uneventful, but filled with a tension that's hard to explain.

Jake and I still act normal around each other, as if nothing has changed, but when I'm not looking, I feel his gaze follow me, the sadness in it as undeniable as it is confusing.

Other things worry me as well: the dark shadows that have become permanent fixtures under his eyes; how every Wednesday he gets Sylvia to drop him at his therapist appointment, walks inside, and then leaves and wanders the streets once she's gone.

And yet, everything else continues as normal. Sylvia still wakes us with the trill of an early morning singing lesson and we still eat dinner together and talk most nights, just like the family we pretend to be.

Sometimes, when Aleisha has a lesson after school, she joins us, and I watch with quiet happiness as Jake becomes more animated.

Lewis drops around more often too, spending half his time with Jake and half with me.

At first, Jake frowns and complains, but eventually, he accepts it, and one evening, when Lewis asks me to go to the dance with him, and Jake overhears, he turns and locks eyes with the two of us.

"As friends," Lewis says quickly. "Cause, you know, we're supposed to ask someone."

I have a terrible feeling Jake's about to throw the milk cartons he's holding at Lewis's head, but he sighs instead.

"If you stand her up, I'll break your bones. And I'm good at biology, so I'll be able to name each one as I do it."

That flash of joking protectiveness makes my heart lift, but only seconds later, Jake disappears into himself again, pulling away and staring at me as if I'm something he's already lost.

I get worried enough that the next day, I decide to ask Lewis about it.

It's lunchtime and we're sitting with our backs pressed against each other on opposite sides of the fence.

It's the only way you can talk to any of the boys during school hours. If you face them, or make it obvious you're chatting, a teacher will charge over and pull you away quick smart. But sitting facing away works if you're close enough to other people that it looks like you're with them instead.

This is how we've structured it today, with Emmy and Aleisha a few metres away, and I've stayed blissfully teacher free.

"Does Jake seem different to you?" I ask, staring out at the oval and taking a bite of my apple.

Lewis's reply is a delayed because as I speak, a round of cheers and exclamations erupt behind me and I realise something dramatic must've happened in the lunchtime rugby game that he's watching Harper's team get demolished in.

"Not really. Why?"

"I dunno. He seems different to me. Sadder. I was just wondering if you'd noticed anything at school."

Lewis is quiet for a moment.

"I haven't," he says. "I could keep an eye out, though."

I scrunch my nose up at that suggestion, knowing Jake would hate it if he found out I'd got Lewis to spy on him.

"No, you don't need to do that. I was just wondering, I guess."

I can sense Lewis turning his head, looking at me out of the corner of his eye, his hair brushing against mine.

"You know, Jake isn't the most stable guy, Claude," he says. "I wouldn't be surprised if he's sad most of the time."

His words make my stomach clench, makes sorrow scream up my throat, but before I can speak, there's a scuffle, a grunt from Lewis, and someone pokes my shoulder.

"Hey, Cairns. What you doing with this wanker?"

I turn and glance covertly over the fence. Harper has appeared, standing next to Lewis and grinning at me.

"Harper," I hiss. "Turn around. The teachers will realise I'm talking to you if you're looking at me."

Harper rolls his eyes.

"It's not like they don't know already," he says, but he flops down beside Lewis and faces away from me.

"What do you want?" Lewis asks, and I grin at the annoyance in his tone.

There's another scuffle, one in which I'm fairly sure Lewis has shoved Harper, and their bodies thump against the fence, making it rock back and forth, and Harper laughs.

"I'm bored," he says. "I don't enjoy playing on the losing team."

"I noticed."

"Harper!"

I turn to find Emmy crawling over on her hands and knees, glaring at him. She's staying ridiculously close to the ground, and I glance at Miss Gramenz, relieved to find that the weird tactic Emmy has decided to employ seems to be working, and she's gone unnoticed.

"What are you doing bothering them? Leave them alone!"

Emmy stops and sidles up beside me, throwing her legs out so they stretch out beside mine.

"Hi, Claude," Emmy says. "Should I drag him away?"

"No, it's alright," I say, realising Lewis and my time alone has officially ended.

"I'd be okay with that," Harper offers. "You could drag me all the way to your house. Maybe into your bedroom?"

Emmy scoffs and crawls off again, and Harper sighs.

"All this losing has put me in a bad mood. I need a joint."

He's standing up to leave, but his words surprise me, and I spin to face him.

"You smoke?"

Harper pauses, half crouched on the ground.

"Yeah."

Something inside me sharpens, the world becoming more defined, and suddenly I'm thinking about the way Jake's window is always open these days, letting the fresh air in.

"Do you ever do it around Jake?"

Harper and Lewis share a glance, and I know the answer before Harper says it.

"Yeah, sometimes. Why?"

I want to ask the questions that's pressing against my lips, and I can tell they're waiting for me to ask it too.

Does Jake smoke with you?

But I can also see their expressions, and I know that if I say it, I'll move further towards the psycho sister category — the one where they'll start telling me less about what Jake gets up to rather than more. And I find the words disappearing from my mouth.

"Nothing," I say instead, the hitch in my voice somewhat ruining my calm facade. "He just used to back home, is all. Mum would get angry."

"Ah, right," Harper says, and then he changes the topic, but I'm only half listening, and instead I spend the rest of lunch with a growing sense of panic filling my stomach.  

...

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- Skylar xx