life - a series of poems

thank you, and goodbye.

he likes someone else.

all this time they were telling me he liked me. i had finally allowed myself to believe them, even if it was just slightly.

"i'm loyal, nat"

"loyal to a guy who likes the girl his bsf likes."


what?


he likes the girl...his best friend likes???


then it must not be me.


the one time i was starting to let my guard down.

the one time i was letting myself believe that maybe, just maybe, this guy was okay with me. he was okay with how i looked, how i talked, how i acted.

i chose to ignore them for the first time.

my thoughts.

thinking, "how could he ever like a girl as big as me?" "he can't like a girl with acne." "i'm way too big for him."

i ignored them for the first time.

and this is what i get??

even when he bought me that damn heart. that fucking heart. that fucking heart.

did he really not like me?? was there really nothing??

is that why he felt uncomfortable? why he wasn't talking?

his sister said he was probably uncomfortable because of me.

i thought maybe it was because he liked me.

he didn't wave first.

he never texted first.

i guess he didn't really like me after all.

then why would you do things like that??

talking to me, laughing with me, giving me your jacket, saying that i was supposed to KEEP your jacket. buying me that fucking heart.

maybe you had feelings for me?? but it took too long for anything to happen?

is it my fault?

my fault that i didn't start something sooner?

if i had asked earlier, would we have become something?

i don't get it. the things you did made it seem like you could've liked me.

but now i'm being told you like the girl your best friend likes?

no matter how i think about it, that girl can't be me. it's not me. it's not me.

i hate you.

but i still like you.

and thank you, i guess.

thanks for giving me something that could make me smile when i really couldn't.

thanks for being someone i could think about.

it's my fault. not yours.

i just wish you let me down gently. or showed me that you didn't like me.

you're too nice. but that's what i liked about you.

i'm going to move on.

this didn't feel real anyway. maybe that was a sign from the universe, telling me that i was imagining all of it.

i was wondering why it was so hard for me to believe that you liked me.

maybe because you didn't.


maybe i should believe myself more often. it looks like i was right this time. if i believe myself, i won't get hurt.


i hate you.
i hate you so much.
i hate that i liked you.
i hate that i spent so much time thinking about you.
i hate that i spent so much time thinking that you liked me back.


but i still like you.


that one time i was calling ur sister, and we were talking about you.

"he's just clueless i guess, haha," i said.

and she said, "i'm pretty sure he knows. he just doesn't wanna do anything about it."

she said it quietly, but i still heard it. i didn't say anything, but maybe that was the first moment i started doubting it. but i pushed those doubts to the back of my mind.

looking back, i guess it might've been obvious. i guess you were just being nice.


i wonder who she is.

i wonder who that girl you like is.

i want to know, but at the same time, i'm scared. i'm scared that she'll be prettier, skinnier, nicer, funnier. i'm really scared that if i find out, i won't be able to forget it.

i have a feeling she's skinnier and prettier. it's my intuition...and it looks like i should've trusted my intuition earlier.

it hurts.

it's been weeks and it still hurts. 

i stopped texting you first a couple weeks ago.

you never texted me again.

looking back i guess it was all just a misunderstanding.

thanks for everything.

goodbye, z.