life - a series of poems

anxiety

(tw: depression/anxiety, ed)

my dad
didn't believe in mental illnesses
he said
they were just things
that the government
wanted us to believe in
so they could "control" us
obviously
i knew he was crazy
but his craziness
meant
that i could never go to a therapist
i made the best of what i could find
free online screenings
free databases
free websites with tests
all of them
said i had severe depression
and anxiety
i don't want to self-diagnose
but it's the only thing
i can do
until i become an adult
for two years now
i've been dealing with this
symptoms of anxiety
symptoms of depression
but i don't tell anyone
because my "friends"
always say
that people who "self-diagnose"
are selfish
and inconsiderate
and i don't want them to see me like that
at the doctors office
i always circle 0
on the depression screening
laughing and nodding with my mom
when the doctor says
"you're a good student. nothing to worry about, right?"
this year
it's gotten worse
again
i don't want to self-diagnose
but i took as many tests as i could
to see
if i had an eating disorder
because i stress ate
to the point
where i would feel sick
then feel like i should throw up
but i was still gaining weight
i was extremely obese
almost 190 lbs
all the test results said
"binge-eating disorder"
i knew i was getting to the point
of no return
i hated it
i hated myself
my mom always talked about my weight
any time i tried to diet
i heard her say
"you're so ugly. no man will ever want to date you."
i laugh
but it hurts
a lot
both my parents
always say things
that end up
discouraging me
from losing weight
because even if i do lose weight
i'll still be ugly
i used to love myself
sometimes i would hate myself too
but now
when i look into the mirror
i hate what i see
a lot more than i used to
i think about how ugly i am
how big i look
even though i know i don't look like it
i feel like
i look like a balloon
i feel like
people see me
2, 3 times bigger
than i actually am
i hate it
i hate me.