life - a series of poems

dad

(tw)

we were a perfect family
to everyone
except ourselves
the kind doctor
who was my father
was never kind
to me
the kind doctor
who was my father
was never kind
to my mom
he hit me
only to act like nothing happened
the next day
he threw things at me
and said he never did
he screamed at me
called me names
only to act like the victim
anytime i said something
he took it as an insult
even if i wasn't talking
about him
he held grudges
for days
weeks
months
at a time
he never let us forget
"what we did to him"
i will never forget
what he did to me
countless tears
wishing i was dead
thinking about hurting myself
thinking about how easy it would be to sit in the bathroom with the razor blades
but being too scared
of my father seeing the marks
to do it
i guess
in a sad, sadistic way
he was the reason i wanted to die
but also the reason i had to live
not being able to look my father
or any man
in the eyes
only starting
to make eye contact with boys
as a teen in 11th grade
i'm scared of my dad
a lot
but no one knows it
not even my mom
not even my closest friends
hell,
they don't even know my dad yells at me
they always say
that i'm the "lucky one"
so i don't get to complain
or say anything
about their family problems
when in fact
i think
i might be
the most damaged one sitting there
i can't wait to leave
i love my mom
i love my dogs
but i can't wait to go to college
i'm going to go far away
to where i won't ever have to see him again
i want to get away
as far as possible
i have to
that's my goal
i want to escape
i'll gladly leave everything behind
if it means starting a new life without him
but at the same time
i don't want to leave my mom alone
i don't know what to do
do i save my mom
or do i save myself?