voodoo doll // c.hood

42; broken bottles & broken hopes

A M I T Y

Lying in my bed, the covers are so heavy on my body they feel like they are suffocating me. Nothing is new though, I'm used to that feeling now.

I've stopped going to school, there's no reason anymore. It's too much stress, and I cannot take a chance that I may see Calum again. I hate him, I hate everything he stands for, and I hate how he just loves to lie to me. My heart is still full of love for him, but it's slowly draining out by the day.

Thoughts are no longer positive. Days go on forever. My phone is turned off. I'm living off leftover pizza and bottles of alcohol from Mums secret stash. I hadn't seen her in a few days, until she came home this morning.

When all hell broke loose.

She came, smashing through the house, knocking over furniture in her wake. She kicked open my door, and my heart broke when I realised that not only was she drunk, she was also stoned. Her pupils were dilated, her hands were shaking, and she just looked like a wild animal, ready to kill.

"Mum, are you okay?" I had questioned her, my voice shaky. I didn't want her to relapse, I didn't want her to be offtrack. She was due to go to rehab in a number of weeks.

"You. You filled my mind with stupid thoughts saying that there was something wrong with me. But I'm fine the way I am. I'm not going anywhere, especially not to some fucked up mental institution!" She had practically screamed at me, and I had shuffled more into the corner of my room. We had been here too many times before.

"Mum, it's okay. You've just relapsed, we can sort this out. Just take a deep breath and we'll talk, okay?" I barely whispered back.

Her eyes widened, as they hungrily searched the room, finally settling on one of the many empty glass vodka bottles. She grabbed it, throwing it against the wall so it was now cut in half. She held the other half in her hand, glass shards sticking out from the top of it.

"You were a fucking mistake, Amity! I should have adopted you out, so some other family would have had to deal with your stupid whininess all the time. You ruined my marriage! You ruined my life! I hate you, and I'm not going to fix myself just because you say there's something wrong with me." She threateningly took more steps towards me, her hand that held the bottle raised in the air.

Before I got the chance to speak, her hand released the bottle, as it flew across the room, hitting the wall next to me. I felt a sharp pain in my forehead, as I cried out in pain. Placing my fingers to where it hurt, I felt a dampness start to spread across my face. The glass had pierced my skin, and the pain throbbed through my whole head.

Mum dropped the bottle, evilly smirking at me before speaking once again.

"You better be gone by the next time I come home, otherwise your head won't be the only thing that's bleeding."

And with those words, she walked out of my room, slamming the door in her wake. I heard the car start up out of the front, and I ran to the window to make sure she had left.

That's when I grabbed an old t-shirt, holding it against my forehead to keep pressure on the wound. I then crawled into bed and sobbed until the tears ran out.

That's what I've been doing, for the rest of the day. Trying to fix my open wound, drinking myself silly, and sorting out a plan of what to do next.

One of the last strands of hope I had left in my life, gone. I didn't really have many left. Now that she has decided to go back on her word and not go to rehab, I don't see how we can ever have that 'mother daughter' bond. She obviously has given up on us, and on herself.

One by one, the people in my life who had any sense of faith in me, gave me the time of day and even made life worth living, seemed like they were just floating away. They didn't really seem to care.

They don't need me anymore, I'm useless. If I left... If I just disappeared , at least I know it won't affect anyone. There once was a time when I'd consider leaving, but someone was always keeping me here. There was one person that I knew I would regret leaving behind. Now, I can't think of any reason for staying.

Leaving doesn't sound too bad actually. No one can- more likely won't- stop me.

Am I really suggesting to run way?

It is the best idea I've had in a long time. And no time like the present. I grab my school bag, emptying it's content onto the floor. Books, paper and pens scattered across the room. I fill up the bad with a reasonable amount of clothing and all the necessities I need. I head to the bathroom to splash my face with water, just to check that this was reality.

I sneak out the back door, not wanting to see my mother just in case she had come back- or more like not wanting her to see me- and avoid all of her ridiculous questions and her undermining tone.

I walk down the foot path on the side of the road at a fairly quick pace, as if I am urgently rushing somewhere but I don't even know where 'somewhere' is. Where does someone go when the run away? Maybe I should have thought this through more thoroughly.

I won't be able to get very far today, it was too late to even leave the suburb let alone this town. I had no car, no money, no plan. This was all turning to shit very, very fast.

I can't go home, that means I'll never get out. Each time I try, I'll end up right back at home. I must move forward.

So where should I go....

There is only one place where I will never be turned away, maybe even the only strand of hope left in my life.

I turn on my heel and head in the direction of the place where I will be accepted.

-

I knock on the door...no answer. I twist the door know back and forth but the door was locked. I tried to peak through the windows but the curtains were in the way. All my attempts were pointless, he must not be home.

The porch step doesn't look too uncomfortable, I can just wait it out until he gets home.

While I sit and wait, I pull leaves of the bush beside me. I throw the loose bundle of loose leave in front of me and watch as the roll across the ground with the wind and drift further and further away from each other.

The leaf my eyes were following was stomped on by someone, I could hear it crunch under their foot.

"Amity?" He says.

"Oh Michael," I cry out, tears forming in my eyes as I run into his arms. "I had nowhere else to go."

-

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