One Last Prayer

Part 16

"Did you have fun?" I smile and lean my head against the seat looking to my left to see my mom. Her hair is blowing from the window being all the way down. The sun has started to set but it's still warm out. It's the perfect reminder of summer on the coast. The scent of the leftovers fills the car so I welcome the cool breeze from the natural air instead of the vent that I typically like to have on. My mom is smiling. She is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. Unfortunately I can't find the same beauty in me, even though I look much like her. City and Colour plays on the speakers. When I'm with my mom, this is her favorite music. When we are with my dad it's always something pertaining to religious radio.

The road is almost empty as we head back toward Santa Barbara. The excitement of having a day alone with my mom still sits happily inside of my chest. You would think these moments come often, being an only child. But, my parents are still as in love as they were when they met in high school. It's always the three of us. My mom and Dad get more alone time than I get with either of them for myself. Which is fine. Life is great, with the three of us. Together.

"I had a great time, mom, thanks." I smile. It crosses my mind that this isn't right. This has happened, in a different way. I look around and the scene is the same. I look at my mom and she's smiling. I tightly shut my eyes and open them. I look at my mom and she looks at me smiling. "Did you have fun?" I pull my eyebrows together in a frown and stare at her. "I asked if you had fun." Her voice is rising and panic sets in. "Well, did you? Was it worth it!?" I feel my chest rising and falling quickly and the headlights come into view.

"Mom!" I shout but she starts hitting the steering wheel with anger.

"Did you pray, Riley?! Are you praying!?"

"Mom!" I yell again.

"Riley!" Chase's voice echoes in my mind. "Riley wake up."

Strong hands shake my shoulders and my eyes fly open. I pop to a sitting position while my eyes dart around the dark room. I'm panting and my heart is about to leap out of my body. The familiar posters hanging on the wall seep into my recent memory and I realize where I am. I look to Chase who sits in front of me with a frantic expression. If he was asleep, I can't tell by how he looks now. Fully alert and his hair is still smoothed down from his shower, neatly combed. He puts a warm hand on my cheek scooting closer to me. I want him to close the distance completely. I want him to take my mind from the vivid nightmare that still plays on repeat in my mind even during my conscious state.

"Are you okay?" His voice is music to my ears. The ache lessons, but is still present.

"Nightmare." Is all I say and he nods. What would typically get a sarcastic response for my obvious interpretation, gets a half smile and two large hands taking mine.

"Yeah, I got that. But are you okay?" He's almost whispering now. I nod. I'm lying. I nod again, like I'm trying to convince myself and he's staring. He watches me as my breath picks up. The stinging is surfacing at my eyes and I'm fighting harder than I have for weeks to keep the gates of this flood about to burst, closed. He looks at my chest as it starts rising and falling faster and I can't look away from him. The worry on his face sets back in as it was when I first woke up and he puts a hand on my shoulder. "Riley."

"I'm fine." I interrupt and my voice deceives me. "It's okay." I try again, this time a crack at the end.

When the first tear falls I smack my hand to my cheek to catch it. I look down at my hand and when I see the moisture on my skin my shoulders start shaking. I'm still looking down at my hand when I see more droplets falling down. It takes me a second to understand that what's happening, is everything I've been working to avoid. My chest hurts and my breathing is rapid. I cover my ace with both of my hands, trying to escape the reality that's setting in. My mom is gone. She will never hold me again. She will never sing her favorite song as she brushes my hair. I'll never call her name and see her gracefully turn around with the warmest smile a person could ever have. She won't see me get married. She won't see my first born child or hold my hand while I push said child out. She won't meet my first love. The one that's probably looking at me like I'm a crazy person, trying to figure out how to handle this situation. She won't send me off to college. She won't stick up for me and make my dad accept me back into his life. She won't pick on me for laughing at my own jokes. She won't be here. She won't be here, ever again.