One Last Prayer

Part 4

My room doesn't feel like home anymore. I look around at the pictures that used to make me happy, and I feel blank. I sit at my desk and pull out my bible. I open it to my marked page and open my notebook in case I come across anything I want to write down. I sit there for a few minutes and find myself daydreaming at the page instead of reading. I shake my head and look back down at the chapter. I read through Romans 12 and something I've never felt before comes over me. I don't understand. So we who are many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another. I rub my eyes. Maybe I'm a little more exhausted than I realized. I read it again. We are all one, yet we are individuals. I've read the Bible plentiful of times. I've come across this verse and found meaning in it. Why can't I remember how I felt about it then, right now? I sigh heavily and sit back in my seat looking out my window.

I see a black car pulling into the driveway across the street. I think nothing of it until I see Chase climb out of the passenger side. He's in that same black zip up jacket, his smile nowhere to be found. His mom gets out of the driver side and they seem to be fighting. He says something, throwing his skate board down onto the cement. His mom puts her hands over her face and starts shaking. I can tell she's crying. Chase stands there for a second, then he looks up at the sky. Is he looking for an answer? He rubs his own face with both hands and then he walks to his mom wrapping his arms around her. I look away and try to mind my own business. What would it be like to hug my mom after an argument just one more time? To feel her arms around me in an embrace? I see her face again. Her eyes are blank and I'm reaching over to touch her shoulder and ask her if she's okay. She's not. I close my eyes as a tear falls.

Free me from this pain, heavenly father. Please, don't make me beg.

Nothing.

Fill me with your comfort. Let your light shine down on me.

Still nothing. I open my eyes and slam my bible shut and shove it away from me, anger filling up inside. I look back to my window at an empty driveway. I get up and grab my pajama shorts and loose t shirt, walking to the bathroom. I'll try again tomorrow.

The next morning I'm staring in the mirror after I've tried several times to meditate and clear my head. Today I'm in a baby blue top that is a little tighter than what I'm used to. It shows my entire arms with only a thin strap on each shoulder, but I haven't been feeling like myself lately anyway. Maybe I'm someone new. I stare at the top and let my eyes drop to the ripped jeans I've paired with it. My dad walks in and raises his brows when he sees my outfit.

"Well that's different." He says sounding surprised.

"I feel different. Do you think it's too much?" I cross my arms starting to feel self-conscious of his reaction and my tight top.

"No sweetie. It's not too much. Things are different. Maybe you are figuring out who you are. Just don't forget where you came from." He smiles and leaves the room. I hear him yell out as the front door opens, "See you later, muffin!"

Looking in the mirror one more time I push my hair back from my face and grab a light jacket before walking out.

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I'm walking down my street when I hear someone running behind me. I don't look over until he's walking next to me. He isn't wearing his jacket today, and I'm able to see his arms for the first time. They're a lot more muscular then I would've imagined. He's in a dark grey shirt, substituting the black I always see him in, and some ripped black jeans to match his all back vans. When he clears his throat I realize I'm staring and haven't said anything. I look forward, glad I haven't run into anything.