IN MY DREAMS [A POE DAMERON X READER STORY] [BOOKS 1-3]

chapter eight

You didn't fight them when they grabbed you by your arms and dragged you out of the launch. It seemed ridiculous to you that they put you inside of the same cell you had helped Poe escape from. They didn't restrain you; they simply tossed you on the floor and left, locking it behind them.

You could unlock the door if you wanted, but you chose not to. There was nowhere to go from here.

It didn't take him long at all to come see you this time.

"You have disappointed me."

His voice was calm, void of any emotion, although you could feel the swirling anger building up inside of him. Like he was about to scold a pet. Still, you did now cower. You faced away from him, eyes on the wall in front of your face, focused straight ahead. Your hands clenched into fists at your sides.

Steadily, you said, "You don't know what it's like not to know who you are."

A moment passed and his heavy footsteps echoed through the space as he took two steps towards you and stopped. "Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It's the only way to become what you were meant to be."

"I see things that horrify me," you whispered. "I see flames and I feel bruises. But I know there's something beyond it."

"Holding on is only going to hurt you. Look what it's done to you so far. You've betrayed the First Order. You betrayed me."

"You betrayed me, Master," you snapped.

His voice rose to a shout. "You are a traitor and a disgrace! You stole a prisoner and helped him escape. Your act was based on selfish, foolish decisions and look what it has done---"

"He knows me!"

"No one knows you! No one but me. You are alone and I am all that you have and it is time you stop acting like there is anything beyond this! ___, come on, you are being ridiculous. Surely you see it! Your foolish hopes and dreams of having someone that loves you outside of this---"

You couldn't stand to hear anymore. Your anger matched his and then multiplied. Hands trembling, teeth clenched, you spun around and shoved past him. The door opened with your will of it to. You didn't hear him behind you as the Force moved so wildly around you that it crushed and bent the walls on either side of you.

You didn't stop until your feet met the snow and the trees were in your line of view. Your breath came out of you in fast puffs and your face burned in the freezing temperature, but still, you did not stop. You continued on until the trees concealed you and then you removed your lightsaber and ignited it. You screamed and screamed until your throat burned, tears streaming down your face, your weapon cutting through the thick wood and brush and bringing only destruction in your wake.

You felt as if you could move the entire forest.

When the time came that there was nothing left to destroy, you fell to your knees. Your body fell forward, your lightsaber dropping to the snow, your body curling in on itself. When your forehead met the snow and you let out long sobs, you finally sensed him, where he'd been the entire time.

"You think I'm a monster," he said.

"Yes," you whispered.

"You think that I don't care about you. That I don't understand---"

Your head snapped to the side to glare at him. "How could you care about me?!" you hissed. "How could you understand?"

"I used to not know who I was, either," he explained calmly. "It haunted me. I finally became who I needed to be when I let my past fall away. None of it mattered anymore."

"That doesn't make you any less of a monster," you said. "You hurt me."

"I'm trying to protect you," he said. "You don't know what you're asking for---"

"You want me to believe that you care about me?" you shouted, standing to your feet. The snow stuck to the fabric of your robes. You stomped through the snow to stand before him. "Take off your mask."

"Why?"

"Because I have never seen your face."

The wind blew loudly, whistling through the remaining trees that surrounded you. "You think me revealing what I look like will prove to you that I'm not a monster?"

"Why do you hide?" you whispered. "Why do you hide from me? I am expected to show you everything --- everything that I think, everything that I am. And yet you don't show me your face. You are hiding from me because you are a monster hiding behind a mask! How could I ever believe you are anything more than that?"

"Because I saved you when no one else would. Snoke wanted you dead. He didn't understand why I tried to save you. But I did because I couldn't let you die." His fists tightened as he leaned down closer to you. You were sure that he was glaring at you behind that mask, so you met him with a look of equal hatred.

You wanted so badly to take the helmet off yourself. To hit him, to scream at him, to do something that would hurt him, but he was an unreachable force, so full of hatred and anger that he became completely shut off of the universe around him. He had killed his past somehow, and by doing that, he had killed himself.

Whoever this man was that trained you, he had no soul.

"You would rather me die than chase after my past," you said. It felt like the tear that fell down your cheek would freeze to your skin. "And you call that love?"

"If you knew what I was keeping you from, then yes."

"I hate you," you spat.

"No you don't."

"I do. And I will spend every moment of the rest of my life proving that to you."

He straightened his back and stepped away. As he turned his back on you, you watched him. "We'll see."

Your bottom lip quivered as you watched him go. When he was far enough, you crumpled to the ground, frozen hands on your face, snow swallowing up your knees, the howling wind suffocating the sound of your cries. You hated Kylo Ren, and the truth of that made you feel impossibly more alone.