Take My Hand - Lashton

Chapter Twenty-five

Chapter Twenty-five

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"How long do you hope to be here Luke?" Daniel asked.

"I don't know—" Luke shrugged, playing with the tips of his fingers. The sun from the window was glaring on his face and he suddenly felt like he were under a spotlight. He hadn't had this much attention on him for a long time. He hadn't had the space to talk about and explore his emotions and he felt the familiar sense of anxiety bubbling in his throat.

"The thing is Luke, you chose to be here. This wasn't really suggested by anyone, you are living in very capable hands. So there must be a reason you're here. You said you wanted to be alone for a while, how long do you want to be alone for?" Daniel expanded, he himself sat on a sofa opposite the younger man. He could see his body trembling, he knew about the anxiety, although had been told that it was under control. He wondered if that was a lie.

"I don't know—" Luke said again, his brain beginning to hurt. He'd been doing too much thinking over the past week. "For as long as I want to be alone, I suppose."

"It must be hard living with your boyfriend?" The therapist diverted the subject. It was clear there was no explicit agenda to Luke admitting himself in here — he did want to be alone. It seemed like he was going to need some time to realise why he wanted to be alone and maybe then he would want to leave.

"Not really," Luke mumbled, looking up to meet Daniel's eyes for the first time. He spotted a ring on the man's index finger and assumed he was married. "He tries to leave that stuff at work—" he explained, thinking about Ashton who tried to do the same, although he seemed to fail more than Aaron. Luke then wondered if Aaron maybe wasn't so successful too. Maybe he was so used to living with Aaron he didn't know his techniques. "Isn't that what you're supposed to do?"

Daniel chuckled and looked down at his hand, following Luke's gaze to his ring. "Of course we all try Luke, but in today's society, your occupation is always there. But in my house, it doesn't really need to come out, but your boyfriend comes home from work to find the same situation — do you think he is capable of switching off?"

Luke thought for a moment. "I don't know— I never really thought to think about it. He doesn't really let me ask him questions. I guess I occupy all the space and time—" The blonde suddenly felt himself sink into the sofa as if a ton of bricks had fallen on him. He felt tired with confused guilt hitting him. "I must be such a burden to him."

"Why do you say that? Relationships are about loving and caring for your partner no matter what. If he didn't want that, he could have left. Did he know prior to your decline in health about your previous experience?" Daniel asked, flicking his pen against his knee that was resting on his other leg.

"Not straight away, no." Luke thought about the first moment he and Aaron met — in all places a nightclub. A place where older men usually preyed on young girls. He was sat there on the edge of the dance floor with nothing but coke. "I think he knew there was something off about me though. He figured I had anxiety but most people do, it's not hard."

The image of the slightly younger Aaron, thirty-four at the time, Luke himself twenty-seven and finally understanding why people liked clubbing. Luke's mind stumbled back to Ashton and he suddenly wondered if he knew Aaron's age. It was never something that came up before, never something he'd questioned. He figured his age was quite ambiguous — he took care of himself and when he wanted to he could look younger than he was.

"When did you find out about his job?" Daniel asked. He knew it was an interesting situation and there seemed like something more than coincidence involved. Whether Luke liked that his boyfriend could provide help or his boyfriend liked that he could help.

"I'm not sure— a couple dates in maybe. He asked about my job and I guess I did his," Luke vaguely explained. He didn't remember when any of that getting to know each other chit chat happened. They'd been together for just over two years and it felt like knowledge he was born with, innate.

"And how did you feel when you found out? Did you tell him about your issues with eating previously? Did you feel trapped, if I was in your position I don't think I'd like to date someone like me or him!"

"I don't really remember. I don't think I ever really told him — I think he just knew and pieced things together from what I said. I don't like talking, and especially about that time in my life. And he respected that, he let things come out naturally and only made comments when he felt he needed to."

"Comments?" Daniel questioned. He didn't like the connotations of the word. Rather pejorative. Also, the fact he barely remembered the first days of their relationship, usually the most vivid and exciting of times. 

"Comments," Luke agreed, pulling his feet up so he sat crossed legged. "Just told me if he was worried about the way I was eating or something."

"Like policing? You're being quite ambiguous here Luke," Daniel pressed not liking how uncertain and potentially darker this was getting.

Luke shook his head in disagreement. "I don't understand why we're talking about Aaron, aren't there more pressing issues to talk about?"

"Like what?" Daniel inquired.

"I don't know — about me and why I don't eat," Luke said, his body suddenly flooding with a weird mixture of nerves and relief. The words were liberating but terrifying to say.

"I thought that was what we were talking about—"

"We were talking about my relationship! I don't want to talk about that!" he complained.

"Okay," Daniel said holding both his hands up, hoping to calm the blonde man down. "Okay. I just thought there might be some overlap that's all, seeing as you live with each other and now you want to be alone. But we can talk about you if you like and why you don't want to eat?"

Luke nodded, taking a deep breath. "I'm sorry— I — thank you. Everyone seems to think this has something to do with him, but it's in my head. I know it's me making things up. Aaron seems to be the only one who realises that I'm seeing and hearing things almost — do you think I'm going crazy?" he asked, beginning to grow scared that this was growing into something more serious.

Daniel simply shook his head. "I think you're suppressing something Luke. You're hiding a secret and everyone but you can see it."

-

Let's see if I can keep a minor characters name consistent for once!

How is everyone doing?? It's essay time again so I shall be writing a million essays and you can find me in a hole crying again!! Are you learning anything interesting at the moment?

Thank you so much for reading!