Recollected Memories // Kuroken

Chapter 9

Kenma's POV

It was warm. And dry.

Different from the cold dampness I was used to waking up from in the underground compartments.

There was something wrong. I'm way too comfortable. This wasn't right.

I pounced from the curled-up position I was once in, immediately feeling the cold air on my skin.

Something next to me stirred.

Kuro.

His legs splayed across the blanket, two hands with pillows pressed against his head. His chest rhythmically rose with every breath. He looked so peaceful and beautiful.

Cute. The first thought that came to me. I chuckled.

My hand went straight to my forehead. No pain. It didn't hurt. But then I realized.

I remember everything. Everything from when I first saw the small spiky-haired boy in front of me, the day when I was kidnapped.

I could feel emotion again. Everything was back to normal. As if nothing had happened before.

The moment was short-lived.

The organization... I don't want to go back. No. I must continue to serve... Thoughts bombarded my head.

I had to go back. They'll kill him if they find me.

But I finally met someone whom I cared for. The man that I had longed to see for so long. I could stay. Meet my parents again, do everything that I had missed when I was gone.

But that was the very reason.

I couldn't let anyone else ever experience anything like this. I can't drag the people who I love into this.

The Organization could always replace me if I was missing. Right?

A specific memory came to me.

flashback>>>

The three of us being taken into a compact room clouded with shouts of pleads of unknown people.

I glanced towards our mentor and then back at our target drowning out the consistent screams made by whoever was blinded by a tote sac. Muffled voices and tears. I made sure to not hear any.

I looked next to me to see Shoyo and Keiji's neutral face. They were the same.

"On a count to three." Our mentor notified us and we knew what to do.

"One."

We took our stance and began approaching our target.

"Two."

Briefly shuddering when I opened my scent glands, releasing my pheromones allowing them to drift towards the opponent. The whines immediately came to a stop. They became entranced by my overflowing scent. I caressed the person before me, calming the target down before grabbing the knife in my pocket.

"Three"

Sheathing the blade, I slit the throat swiftly so the target could pass painlessly.

I looked up to see a smiling face. Our mentor gave me a bright smile.

Confused, I looked around. Keiji and Shoyo had stopped midway of their task dropping their knives with their twisted facial reactions even before committing the sin. I stayed puzzled and looked down at my hands.

They were bloody.

An unknown feeling swept over me.

It was a bit familiar. I think it was a mix of fear, frustration, anxiousness, loneliness? I couldn't tell. It was still there, somewhere buried into my heart waiting to be exposed, a hollow hole in my chest waiting to be filled.

My mentor simply beamed at my decisiveness.

That was my first time killing someone. I felt nothing.

What came next was the officials. Them patting my back in acknowledgment on the outside when the next thing was all of them taking turns fucking overworked body.

The faces they give me every single time I turn up to accept a mission. Whispers of plans afterward.

Will Kuro even accept me for what I am now? What will mom say when she sees me again? Do I really belong in a place like this?

With the sudden intake of emotions, my thoughts become muddled up. I really should've just stayed. But my inexperienced self was in a panic.

Guilt swept over me.

All those people I've killed... they must've had families too. Am I a murderer? But it was the Organization that forced me. I was serving under them...

And this led to something that ended the line of thoughts.

Would I even be able to live freely now? Do I have to continue living in constant fear the police could come and take me away anytime? I would be behind bars for the rest of my life?

But moreover, I was scared. The fear just went around in a loop. That if anything happened to the people I love, I would never be able to accept the fact that I was the one that did this.

Maybe I don't belong in a place like this. The only excuse I managed to force my thoughts out. To hide my longing to stay in Kuro's embrace. To pull myself back to reality.

To choose the most logical solution. 

Writers notes:

Hi y'all :D 

I feel like I'm not writing enought ;') sorry.  School's just been very tough, and I'm going to camp tomorrow. I've got this sudden spur of inspiration lately though. Hehe, I can't way until u guys see the next chap I shall write in two weeks. I'm not spoiling though. 

Have fun guessing and thanks for reading ^-^