Inferno [Incomplete]

8] Not Even a Memory

I wandered the woods for a while. I knew it was dangerous and stupid, but my body worked on autopilot, searching for solitude and peace.

A problem, placed in front of me without warning, has but one solution. I don't want to believe it, even indulge the idea for a second. But deep down, I know there is no other way.

When I eventually returned to Rainy Hollow, I apologised to the herd, and Jasper, for worrying them. Taking my blue mood as burn out, Jasper took me inside and we lay together.

Atop the sheets of our bed, I curl into his side, still clothed in protective leathers. With my eyes screwed tight against the world, I hold on to him like a lifeline, lest the storm pull me down.

Oblivious to my inner turmoil, he draws idle circles on my shoulder, one hand placed softly against my stomach. I know what he's thinking of: us, raising a family, together. Going to the Cullens' house on weekends, visiting Charlie during the week. A normal, average family life.

I can't break that dream, I won't. At least, not yet. A tiny voice in my head whispers fearful thoughts, ridiculous ideas that if forced to choose between his old and new family, he will choose old. But there is no such thing as old family, not when you're a vampire. It's just...family, people you've seen out the centuries with.

Over and over my lips tremble, mouth hanging open for brief moments before snapping shut again. I always believed I was brave, but now I see, in matters of the heart, I am a coward.

"Jordan," he says, his soft voice breaking the glass-like silence previously hugging us close, "I always know when your gears are turning. What's wrong?"

My lack of response sets him on edge, sitting up and staring out into the dense wood beyond our home. How many years have he and his family run the paths of their growth? Seen saplings turn to bowed and bent markers of time. How many memories do they share of those days, when scars were still fresh and the world still warring?

"Love?" His hand comes up, brushing hair from my face. "Talk to me."

The words tumble out, little thought going into their composition. "I wonder if your life would have turned out better without me."

Jasper moves sharply, appearing in front of me, kneeling by the bed, in an instant. Eyes dark and wide, a shimmer of shock is the only light I can find. "What on Earth are you talking about? Why would you say something like that?"

I trace his cheek with my fingers, thinking of warm summers and cool winters spent hunting in these forests with the Cullens, watching planes fly over-head. "Because I think there's a chance it's true."

He clasps my hands tightly, pulling them to his chest. "Jordan, no. You could not be more wrong. You have brought such light to my life, you...you have shown me what it is to live again. What have I done to make you think otherwise?"

"Nothing," I reply quickly, almost smiling, "you have done nothing."

"Then what has put this thought in your head? We were past this, Jordan, believing we do not deserve one another."

I can feel my throat closing up, and rush to push the words out before it's too late. "There's something you don't know."

Wincing at echoing Tritan's earlier words to me, I watch confusion flickering through Jasper's eyes. He searches mine for an answer, but finds nothing.

"What don't I know, Jordan?" He asks quietly, tone steeped in hesitation.

"The Carvaar'sk will not stop coming here after we leave; they will target the Cullens, and Charlie, anyone we have any connection to. They can sense our bonds with them."