Thirteen Months

Overwhelmed

TW // panic attack, anxiety

Everything was too loud. The fluorescent lights seemed to sear into her brain, not letting her escape their harsh light. Her chest tightened as if an invisible hand was squeezing her lungs in an icy grip. Her limbs felt weak and shaky. Everything was just too loud. She wanted to scream. But she couldn't. No matter how many times she opened her mouth, no sound seemed able to break through. The most frustrating part? She had done this to herself. The barricades that stood between her thoughts and her voice were ones that she herself had erected. There was no one to blame but herself.

"Mizuko," a concerned voice tore Mizuko from her thoughts. Peeking up briefly, she caught a glimpse of Mrs. Sawamura looking down at her with a concerned gaze. Mizuko swiftly returned her gaze to the pristine, white tiled floors. "Is everything ok, sweetie?" Mrs. Sawamura asked, trying unsuccessfully to catch the girl's eye again. Mizuko didn't say anything. She couldn't. Everything was too loud. Too bright. Too fast. It felt like all her senses were heightened, picking up on the smallest, most irritating things. A man dropping coins from his wallet. A girl crying because her mother wouldn't buy her the toy she wanted. A boy grumbling as his girlfriend dragged him through the aisle of clothes.

Mizuko shook her head rapidly, trying to clear the intrusive textures, sounds, smells, and sights from her head. It was all too much. Feeling utterly overwhelmed, the small girl barely registered tears threatening to spill from her eyes. The blurring of her vision made her feel even more panicked as the world around her merged into one giant sensory overload. "Mizuko!" Mrs. Sawamura called, slightly frantic now as she watched the girl. Mizuko had her hands tugging slightly at her dreadlocks, hitting the sides of her head with her wrists. "Ok, we'll leave, we'll leave, please stop," Mrs. Sawamura said, worried and unsure what to do.

***

"Mom, what's wrong with her?"

"I don't know, honey." Mrs. Sawamura's face pinched with worry as she looked towards the stairs by which Mizuko had rushed up to her room only moments before.

"I thought you were taking her shopping to get clothes," Daichi said.

"I was. We were at the mall, and I was trying to pick things out for her...now that I look back, I guess I had been asking her a lot of questions...do you think I overwhelmed her?"

"Maybe," Daichi said. "What did she do?"

"She just...seemed to lose it. I don't really know. One minute, I was asking her if she liked a shirt, and then the next she was near tears, whacking the sides of her head like a crazy person."

"Mom..." Daichi started slowly, "I think...I think I know what happened." Mrs. Sawamura looked at him with wide eyes in anticipation of what he was going to say next. "I could be wrong, but I think she had some sort of panic attack. One of my volleyball teammates used to get them a lot when he felt overwhelmed. He described it as a sensory overload. Maybe that's what happened?"

"It's quite possible," Mrs. Sawamura allowed. "I honestly don't know much about them, I'll have to look into it more. But for now, do you know what your friend did to calm down?" Daichi nodded.

"Yea, I had to help him a couple times during our first year," he said. "Do you think she'd mind if I tried to use some of the techniques my friend used?"

"It's worth a try. Should I come with or do you think she'll respond better to just one person?"

"It's ok, I got it. I'll call you if it gets bad," Daichi said, already half-way up the stairs.

***

"Mizuko, can I come in?" Daichi called softly through the door. There was no answer. Daichi paused for a moment, debating what he should do. A small sound caught his attention. Was she...crying? That did it. Any hesitation he had possessed moments before seemed to have left him. "Ok, I'm coming in," he said, opening the door slowly to prevent scarring her. The room appeared empty but for the sound of quiet sobbing. "Where'd you-- oh, what are you doing under the bed?" Daichi squatted down to peer under the bed where Mizuko lay curled tightly into a ball, crying into her knees. Softening his voice even more as if he was speaking to a wild animal, he asked, "Do you think you can come out for me?" Mizuko shook her head. "Ok," he murmured. "That's ok, I'll just sit here and you can come out when you're ready. Does that sound ok?" There was no reply except for the heavy breathing of the girl under the bed. Daichi's mind raced. What did his friend do when he was like this? "Hey," Daichi said, continuing to talk in a low, gentle voice. "My friend, when we were first years, we used to play this game when he was upset. Do you want to play?" Mizuko shook her head. "Please? I think it'll help you a lot," he coaxed. After a few moments, Mizuko let out a shuddery breath that seemed to wrack her whole body. Slowly, she lifted her head from her knees and looked at Daichi. She nodded slightly. "Ok, we're going to look around, and I want you to point to something in the room that starts with the letter A. Can you do that for me?" Mizuko nodded. "Alright, what do you see?" Mizuko lifted her trembling arm and pointed to an apple sitting on Daichi's desk. "Yeah!" he said with an encouraging smile. "That's great, let's try the letter B!" Mizuko glanced around the room for a moment, her gaze finally resting on a volleyball in the corner. Daichi looked over and grinned, "Yep, ball. Ok, the letter C now!"

As the two continued to play the game, working their way to the end of the alphabet, Daichi noticed how Mizuko's breathing seemed to slow. Her eyes cleared and she seemed to be more aware of her surroundings. She swept her view around the room again as if seeing it for the first time. Her gaze settled on Daichi. She locked eyes with him, startling him with the unflinching nature in which she stared at him. Never had she so boldly held eye contact with someone without flinching or quickly glancing away. But the girl was so distraught, she no longer had time to allow her aversion to get in the way. Daichi seemed to understand this immediately, deciding to still continue to talk softly and soothingly.

"Can I touch you?" He asked. Mizuko hesitated. "I just want to give you a hug," Daichi clarified. "I have a friend who's a lot like you, he gets really overwhelmed sometimes. He says that it helps to be held." Mizuko hesitated again. She really did want to be held, but she was also still wary of any sort of intimate contact. Finally, her need to be comforted won out, and she allowed a small nod. Moving slowly, Daichi scooted next to her and leaned his back against the side of the bed. Mizuko tensed slightly at his closeness. "It's ok," Daichi promised, speaking even softer. "I'm just going to put my arm around you, ok? If you're uncomfortable, just tap my arm and I'll move away." Mizuko nodded as he placed an arm gently around her. After a few moments, Mizuko let out a breath she didn't realize she had been holding. She stared up at Daichi with a new emotion in her big, brown eyes. Trust. A very small, fragile amount of it, but present all the same. Daichi pulled her a little closer. Mizuko turned her face into his chest, the rhythm of his heartbeat calming her down even more. They stayed like that for a long moment. "I've got you, sis," Daichi murmured, unaware of Mizuko's soft smile.