Thirteen Months

Here

Sugawara paced his room, clearly agitated. He replayed the conversation from the day before over and over as if on a loop in his mind.

"What do you mean, left?" he had asked, glancing at Daichi for some sort of explanation. Daichi had refused to meet Sugawara's gaze, choosing instead to stare at the ground.

"Suga," Mizuko had murmured. Oh, how her soft voice had made his heart flutter. "I wanted to tell you, I really did. I just didn't want...to be...a burden."

"Mizu," Sugawara replied. "You're never a burden on me. I want to help you. You shouldn't feel afraid to tell me things. I want to be there for you. That's what you do for people you lo-- care about."

"Daichi," Sugawara had asked, yanking his captain out of his thoughts. "How are you okay with this?"

"I'm not," Daichi had answered honestly. "But...I know that feeling sorry for myself isn't going to help Mizuko. She needs me right now, and now she needs you too."

***

Sugawara sat on the edge of his bed, head in his hands. What was he supposed to do? His friends Daichi and Mizuko must be going through so much right now. Especially Mizuko. How could he possibly help?

A knock on the door distracted Sugawara from his melancholy thoughts. "Come in," he called. The twins came padding in, sad looks on their faces. Being the older brother he was, Sugawara was immediately concerned, asking, "What's wrong?" The twins didn't respond. Instead, Hana crawled up into Sugawara's lap curling up wordlessly while Haru climbed on the bed and settled himself snugly into his older brother's side. "What's wrong, guys?" Sugawara repeated, wrapping an arm around his brother, his other hand playing with Hana's hair.

"Koushi is sad," Haru murmured.

"I'm not sad, it's okay, I promise," Sugawara said. It was a feeble attempt. All of them knew it.

"Koushi is sad," Haru repeated. Sugawara paused, sighed, and bowed his head slightly.

"Yeah," he admitted. "Koushi is sad."

"Why?" Hana asked, turning her big brown eyes to stare at him. Sugawara sighed again.

"My friend Mizuko is hurting," he said.

"Why doesn't she put a bandaid on it?" Haru asked. "She can borrow my Pokemon bandaids if she wants." Sugawara chuckled slightly, ruffling his brother's hair.

"That's very nice, buddy," he said. "But it's not that kind of hurt."

"Is it like Mommy's kind of hurt?" Hana asked.

"No, not quite," Sugawara said. "Mommy's heart is hurting. Mizuko's brain is hurting."

"Like a headache?" Haru asked.

"Sort of." Sugawara thought for a moment. "Imagine a very bad headache. One that hurts so bad, you have to go to the hospital for it."

"Like Uncle Koji?" The twins had only been a few years old when their uncle Koji had passed due to a tumor in his brain. Although they hadn't really understood the concept of terminal illness, there were certain details such as the funeral, visiting the hospital, and their mother crying that they could understand as bad.

"Yeah," Sugawara agreed. "Kind of like Uncle Koji."

"Don't be sad," Hana said. "Mommy said he is in heaven."

"Yes, but that doesn't mean it's not sad. I still miss him. And if...when...Mizuko goes to heaven...I will miss her too." Sugawara's voice gave up on the last few words of his sentence, and the twins exchanged a wide-eyed look. Never had they seen their older, invincible brother cry. Sugawara had always been careful to keep his emotions in check in front of his siblings, choosing to only let them out in private-- away from his mother and the twins; the last thing he wanted was to have them worrying about him on top of everything else that they had been through as a family.

Yet here he was, tears in his eyes as he spoke about Mizuko. The twins, unsure what to do, just snuggled closer to their brother. "We love you, Koushi," Hana murmured.

"Yeah," Haru agreed, his voice muffled against Sugawara's side. Sugawara bowed his head and wept quietly, hugging his brother and sister close. The twins just let themselves be held by their brother, knowing that there wasn't anything else they could do for him. The three of them sat on the bed for a long time, Sugawara quietly crying, the twins hugging him for dear life as if their squeezes could make it all better. They couldn't. They all knew it...no matter what they did, it wouldn't change anything. But it did make Sugawara feel a tiny bit better.

Hana worked up the courage to repeat the phrase she had overheard Sugawara tell their mother once: "I'm here for you, Koushi."

"Me too," Haru agreed. Sugawara smiled a watery smile and hugged his siblings closer.