The Write Match // Bill Hader

Twenty-Four

I knock on John's apartment door twice, waiting for an answer. He opens it and I'm thankful he's here.

"Hey, what's-" He starts, but I cut him off as I walk further into his apartment.

"I messed up." I say, sitting down on his couch.

"Are you talking about the fact that you took Bill home with you to meet your family and now you're realizing that you're in way too deep and can't do anything about it now?" He asks, crossing his arms and I just stare.

"Wow, there's really no need to sugar coat it, is there John?" I say sarcastically.

"I don't know how you want me to say it. He's all yours, and it shows, wether you want to admit it or not, I know for a fact that you-" He starts and I hold a hand up.

"Don't you dare say it!" I tell him.

"You don't want me to say it because you know it's true!" He yells and I glare at him, even though I feel that glare fading away.

"John, I can't! I thought that I've just accepted things the way that they are, but after I took him home, I can't say it. He can't know!" I shake my head and rub my eyes as my head spins.

"You have two choices here." He starts and I feel the tears well up in my eyes.

"I either tell him how I truly feel or I break it off and deal with the pain." I say and he nods.

"I've never seen you this torn up about anything." He says.

"I haven't cried this much over a guy in years and I really haven't had any feelings, besides anger and just being a bitch. I don't know what's wrong with me." I mumble.

"You love him, Meredith." He says and I immediately snap out of it and turn to him.

"No, I don't. I don't love him and I never want you to say that again. There is a difference between feelings and love. I don't love him, I can't love him, I won't love him." I argue back.

"Okay, Meredith, you don't. Are you okay?" He asks and I think. I could lie to him, but I'm tired of lying. I shake my head and the wall I always put up completely crumbles. He wraps his arms around me, his chin resting on my head.

"I just wish things were easier, John." I cry and he rubs my back, making me realize how much I hate being in situations like this. I hate being vulnerable and feeling weak. I hate John rubbing my back while I cry and the fact that I'm this confused. "What the hell am I doing? I don't do this." I pull away from him and take a deep breath.

"I think it maybe time to accept that this is you now. The Meredith that didn't care, didn't have feelings, and never ever had fun, she's long gone now and she has been for a while. You're just trying to hold onto the last little bit of that Meredith that you still have, but doing that is only going to hurt you more, and him too. He tells me and I shake my head again.

"This is so stupid." I say and wipe under my eyes.

"It's life." John gives me a soft smile and I stand. "You can stay here for a while if you want, just until you calm down a little more." He offers and I shake my head.

"I told him that I would meet him at his apartment in a little bit, so I need to go." I tell him and he nods, walking to the door with me.

I walk to Bill's apartment and open the door, going straight for his bed. He's already laying down but he's still awake. He looks to me out of the corner of his eye.

"Are you okay?" He asks and I nod my head. "You look like you've been crying." He mumbles.

"I'm okay. You need to go to sleep, we have to work tomorrow." I tell him and don't dare to look at him. He doesn't try to get near me as he lays down and I turn my back to him.