Drarry Oneshots (𝑪𝒐𝒎𝒑𝒍𝒆𝒕𝒆)

Nine's a Crowd

Top!Harry

Bottom!Draco

Author: Anonymous ( on ao3 ) 

__________________

"Potter!"

The ear-splitting yell rang around the walls and corridors of The Potter home.

Caelum Potter was a short, skinny boy with oily blonde hair and a noticeable number of spots across his forehead and down the centre of his face. "Papa sounds maaaaaad," he winced, looking up at his father.

Harry Potter cringed, the bottle of shaving cream in his hands. He was in his forties and starting to show his age: his signature raven coloured hair had streaks of white peppered throughout, but his glasses and scar still made him instantly recognisable at a glance. "We're all Potters. It could be any of us," he said, hopefully. "It's probably James." There was a long pause. "Okay, now, the trick to shaving is following the grain."

Caelum squinted at him. "So, we're just ignoring Papa being angry at you?"

"Could be anyone," replied his father in a clipped voice. "And yes," he added quickly.

"Harry James Potter, get down here right now!" bellowed the voice. "I am not above using unforgivable curses. Do not test me!"

"You're definitely dead. I'll remember you fondly, Dad," said Caelum, grinning.

"I'll pay you two hundred Galleons if you go downstairs and tell him I'm not home," Harry begged.

"No way," Callum replied, genuine fear in his eyes.

"We'll wish me luck," Harry said, putting down the bottle of shaving cream. "I'll be right back."

"No, you won't," Callum replied, smirking.

Harry winced and tugged open the bathroom door as Albus and Scorpius poked their heads out of their respective bedrooms.

"Albus, can you teach Callum to shave?" Harry asked.

"Sure," questioned Albus, grinning. "But what did you do, crash the car?" He was tall and had inherited Harry's dark hair and eyes; his face resembled some of his own most recognisable features, although softened slightly.

"Oh, no, he was really angry," asked Scorpius. "Did you have an affair? Do we have a secret sibling?" He was Albus's fraternal twin. He had platinum white hair and a pair of curious grey eyes peering over the top of his glasses, which were more rectangular than Harry's. Scorpius resembled Harry's father, James - at least according to the few photos Harry had, anyway.

"No. Nothing like that," Harry dismissed. As he walked downstairs masking his concern, he was only semi-certain that he was not walking to his death.

Standing in the centre of the living room was Draco Potter. His expression was firm and judging; it was a look that Harry feared. Draco's body had changed considerably since Hogwarts - he was much thicker, but after four pregnancies it was hardly something Harry could fault him for. "I knew I should have listened to Hermione and got your dick chopped off," Draco muttered, eyes narrowing at Harry.

Harry winced and instinctively cupped his genitals. "What?"

"You, you fertile git! You're the problem!" Draco said; he was seething angrily, face flushing with rage.

"Oh!" said Harry, his eyes widening in realisation. "You're...? But we're..."

"Old and past our sexual prime? Apparently not. Apparently male carriers, just like women, get a boost of fertility in their age. A big burst of bloody fertility," Draco's eyes narrowed further until they were almost closed.