To Show a Blind Person the Sight of the World Without Using Your Voice

Chapter 16: My Safe Place

Haruka Nanase

I've ran for god knows how long, blinded by my tears.

I had no clue where I was running to; all I knew was that I had to get far away from her. Back to Iwatobi, or the other way completely, if it meant I wouldn't be found by her.

I ended up here; my safe place.

I take my shoes off and roll my jeans up to my knees before wandering into the water.

It's something I do time and time again, just taking a nice stroll through the sea whenever I'm sad.

I don't know how many nights I've spend out here, but I know I can remember all of them.

One time I came out of here after my father's hand had collided with my cheek for the first time. I hadn't been going to school like he expected me to, because even as a first grader, I was being teased for being extremely shy. I scored low grades and had no friends at all; they thought I was strange and a terrible human-being for being both too quiet and too loud-mouthed at the same time.

I can't blame my classmates, I had no manners at all, but it was not like my parents ever raised me.

They got me when they were just eighteen, and they barely had enough money to keep me; I wish they just would've dumped me in a foster care from the start, which would've spared me a lot of heartache. Maybe that way I would actually have had a chance to get a permanent family.

After my father found out about the school-skipping he freaked, he punched me, and I ran off.

I ended up here and I ran into the sea.

I let myself collapse that night, and I listened to the water that entered my ears.

While I stared up at the starlit sky, I searched for a shooting star just so I could wish for another life.

That time I just sat down in the un deep water, but there have also been times I went in deeper than I should've. Like that time that I stayed at a bigger foster home where everyone seemed to blame me for what my parents did to me; the other kids called me a monster, a freak and a family-wrecker.

I never talked back to them, not because I couldn't, they just didn't even deserve my attention.

They earned the attention they needed so badly though. After teaming up on me they managed to push me over the edge; I couldn't take the pain anymore.

With sixteen years old, I wished the sea would've been quicker to swallow me whole.

It didn't though, no matter how deep I went I kept ending up on the shore; that's where the Hirayamas found me. They found me lying on the beach, half-dead and miserable, and they decided to go through an entire process to become my foster parents even when they actually didn't have nearly enough money to take in another kid.

I let the water float in-between my toes, I let the seaweed tickle the bottom of my feet.

I wonder if the sea will be deep enough today; I wonder if the tide finally will be strong enough to pull me under and never make me come up again.

Maybe it would be for the best if I go in deeper.

I take a step further into the sea, sacking into a hole in the sand. Fishes erupt from the hole, swimming around my legs at a rapid pace. Are they telling me to go on or to turn back.

I'm in to my knees now and the current is getting so much stronger now that I'm in deeper.

I take another step.

It causes so much strength to move a leg, just like it causes so much strength to keep myself from collapsing and bursting out if tears.

I just want to cry.

I want to run away for forever if I can.

I freeze in place, because I know I can't; I couldn't ever give Makoto that much pain.

I will never be able to see a smile on his face, never be able to embrace him ever again, if I leave now.

He probably doesn't feel the same about me, but Makoto's been the only thing that has kept me going after the Hirayamas told me I couldn't stay with them.

The pain has been overwhelming, and if he hadn't been by my side I would've been at the bottom of the sea right now.

I would've run to my safe place when they told me they were pregnant.

I wouldn't even have been spilling my worthless tears into this big sea of water, like I am now.

I would've ran into the sea. Deeper and deeper until the current pulled me under, if Makoto hadn't sat down with me and listened to my story with his arms wrapped around me.

But Makoto was by my side. I'm still standing, which is a sign that I'm stronger than this; I shouldn't be walking into the sea. Instead I should be running far, very far, away from it.

I close my eyes briefly and breathe out. A cloud of air shoots from my mouth and leads my gaze to the sky. It's lit with beautiful stars, they're so far away from me.

I stand there, my feet almost to the point of freezing, but I stand still.

My eyes are fixated on the sky, looking for a shooting star to wish upon. Still, after so many years have passed, I'm hoping that I'll see one. Even if it's just once, one wish will be enough to make my life less miserable; a wish that my mother will never come near me again, or one for me just to disappear without people being sad about it, or—

At that moment a shooting star falls out of line; it starts falling down.

It's beautiful, more perfect than anything I've ever seen; or almost, because that's when an image of Makoto Tachibana comes to mind. He might actually be the prettiest thing I've ever seen.

I just wish he was with me now.

I notice how much I miss him. A lot, so much that it makes my heart ache, even when we've been only apart for about half an hour, maybe a little longer.

But I just want him by my side; I want him to stay with me for the rest of my life.

I want his arms to wrap around me when I'm crying, but also when I'm happy, and I want to hug him back and hold his hand as tight as I possibly can.

"Haru!" My memory of his voice sounds exactly like it should.

I close my eyes and nod; yes, I want his voice to call out to me like that.

"Haru!"

My eyes shoot open, I stare up at the sky and the shooting star has faded. I listen closely until I hear his voice again. He's shouting, calling my name, and when I turn around he's standing on the beach.

It's really him!

I turn around, opening my mouth to shout back to him; no sounds comes out.

My heart aches, but I know he doesn't mind my flaws and he won't mind if I come running at him now. So I order my feet to move, start running away from the endless deep sea and towards the boy who, once again, saved me from downfall.

Sorry, dear old sea. I tell the big body of water as leave it far behind me. But you can't have me today. Hell, you can't have me, ever!

I run onto the beach, seeing how Makoto slowly starts to collapse onto the sand. Weak and limp, really in need of my help; just like I am in need of his too.

I've found a new safe space... and he's called Makoto.