Shatterproof | SB19 Sejun [SB19 Series #2]

18

September 2018

Paulo,

We broke up a month ago and yet for me, it feels like yesterday when I was still able to hold your hand and call you mine. I know that I made the hardest decision to stay away from you. I know that being away from you will kill me, it will break my heart and shatter my being. The day after I left you standing underneath that streetlamp at the ER back door, I woke up to a living nightmare. Losing you was the biggest heartache of my life and I will continually look back to that day and remember the look on your face when I told you of my decision- pure, utter sorrow. I am sorry for leaving. I am sorry for waving the white flag and surrendering to fate. Deep in my heart, I know that it was the best decision that I could make. You deserve the break that ShowBT gave you. You deserve to fly, with your wings unclipped. You deserve to be known and you have to do it without me- even when all our carefully laid plans were foiled, sometimes, we have to submit ourselves to destiny, to swallow the hard pill of reality that we just were not meant to last that long. Every night, I cry myself to sleep wishing that things were different, that maybe if you did not want to perform, or maybe you were not part of SBT, what would we be today? But I know that things happen because they are meant to happen and this is part of it. It breaks my heart to see you gone. But it would break my heart more if you could not fulfill your dreams. You have helped me fulfill mine. This time, I'll be supporting you- from afar. I don't know why I'm writing this letter when I don't even know if I'll let you read this. But for my peace of mind, I'll continue writing this as a means of comforting my wounded heart. I love you Paulo. I know you still love me and I am comforted by that. Even if I don't hear you say it to me anymore. I will always, always love you. I will always, always carry you in my heart, Paulo.

Love,

Gab

•

October 2018

Paulo,

It's been two months and yet, the pain in my heart never abated. You have always occupied my thoughts and a huge chunk of my mind was always occupied by you. Things are not better. I am a shell of a person. I feel apathetic and dejected, not finding joy in my work anymore. Drake says this is depression and I agree with him. I am depressed. I want you. And yet, I can't have you. Life sucks, Pau. But I saw you reaching for your dreams and I have to give you a chance to be happy in life. I know I have told you that I will be your biggest fan and so, I watched your music video today and though I was disappointed that I could not see you in your MV, I think I would have cried if I saw you. I had watched the video countless times, just to hear you sing. I heard you sing and you were wonderful. I knew you wrote the lyrics to Tilaluha. Who else could write such melancholic words? You were always the poet. You always have a way with words, words that crept their way into my heart and planted a seed of unwavering love and loyalty towards you. Even when we are apart, I am still in love and my heart is still loyal to you. And it hurts all the more because the truth looms in front of me. We can't be together. Pau, paano nga ba mapapawi labis na pagdurusa? Pau, turuan mo naman akong limutin ka.

Love,

Gab

•

July 2019

Paulo,

It's been almost a year since we parted ways but I am still hurting. My heart gnaws in pain. I am wallowing in misery knowing full well that you and I can't be together. An impossible pair. Each day, I see your vlogs pass by my Facebook timeline. I see your blond hair and a sad smile would cross my face every time. I used to run my fingers through your hair, relishing the softness of it. I used to stare at you and marvel at how such love can be contained in a tiny anatomical structure called the heart. Though physiologically speaking, emotions are governed by the hypothalamus and the limbic system but why does pain manifest in the heart? I am a doctor and yet, I could never fully understand this. Every time I see your vlogs, Pau, something stirs inside me- longing, pining, melancholy. I could never have the courage to watch your vlogs. If I do, my heart would break and I would never have the strength to get through my day. I almost quit residency, Pau. I was having a hard time trying to pick up the broken pieces of my heart, plus I felt so overwhelmed with work that I broke down. I literally broke down. Drake found me on the stairwell crying my eyes out. It's almost a year and yet, I still break down. I don't know how do I get through this. I don't know where I would get the strength to push. You were always my support system, my number one fan, my shoulder to lean on, my strength when I was weak. And when you left, it was my life shattered like glass. I felt myself slip away. How do I get through life when you are my life? If only time made things easier. If only time would give me strength to pursue. If only you would be mine again, then I would be grateful and I would never let you go. I wish things were different. I wish you did not have a dating ban. I wish I was still yours. But I could only wish. If only wishes come true. I love you, Pau. Always have, always will.