Shatterproof | SB19 Sejun [SB19 Series #2]

1

September 2021

Sejun's POV

I woke up with a start, my shirt drenched in sweat. I reached for my phone to look at the time, dreading what I would see.

3:45 AM.

I groaned.

Sleep has been elusive to me. My dreams about Gab had been more frequent now. Ever since our last conversation last year, I had been dreaming about her. All my dreams had been about her leaving, and I had a hard time falling asleep each time I wake up.

I picked up my guitar and headed to the balcony. This was my ritual now. Every time I dream of Gab, I always find myself singing- singing for the love that we lost, singing for the time we spent apart, and singing for the woman who still holds my heart.

The singing soothed me. It helped me to become calm. But it also woke up the memories that I try so hard to forget.

Sa kanya pa rin babalik sigaw, ng damdamin
Sa kanya pa rin sasaya bulong ng puso ko
Kung buhay pa ang alaala ng ating nakaraan
Ang pagmamahal at panahon alay pa rin sa kanya

[Sa Kanya by MYMP]

Without me knowing it, my tears
fell. I let it fall. I let them flow. Three years had gone by, and yet, I still love her.

"You should sleep," Stell spoke from behind me.

I did not reply. He sat down beside me on the balcony, gazing up at the sky. There were no stars. The city lights had left the night sky devoid of stars.

"It's our concert today. It would be best if you were resting," he added.

It has been two years since SB19 released the Go Up dance practice video. Who would have thought that our last shot would be the reason why SB19 was successful today?

It was our concert at Araneta Coliseum today. Stell was right. I should be resting, but my mind won't allow me.

"I can't sleep," I told him truthfully. 

We sat there; the only sound was from my soft strumming on the guitar.

"What's it like, Pau?" Stell asked after a moment of silence.

"What?"

"Still being in love with the same woman for years," Stell continued.

"You would know," I told him. "Weren't you in love with the same woman for years?" Stell had a massive crush on our co-trainee many years ago. 

Stell shrugged. "It's not the same. What you had with Gab was different."

I sighed. "It's hard," I admitted.

I was always honest with my feelings. I never keep what I feel. It is hard being in love with someone. I wanted to let go of the hurt that I felt. But if I let go of the pain, what if my love for her would disappear too?

I don't want to stop loving Gab. Loving her was like breathing, the most natural thing to do.

"You've been having dreams of her too often," Stell pointed out. 

I sighed again.  I've been losing sleep because of this. My sleeping pattern had been altered.

"I don't know why," I replied. "I keep dreaming about her leaving, and the start of the dream is always the same. She runs towards me and calls my name. I want to run towards her, but I can't move. Then something takes her away- a wind, a big wave, the ground opens up always something big and drastic and," I paused, taking a deep breath, the anguish and pain coming back each time I remember what happens next. "I fall on my knees, and I scream."