Lost And Found

Chapter 29: "There are much worser things to love."

"I didn't say "I love you" to hear it back. I said it so you knew." - Unknown

***
Drew:

"I love you, Andrew Grayson."

The only thing I could do was stare at her, stunned. My eyes went wide slightly in shocked at her words, and my jaw went slack, leaving my mouth to hang open. With my hand I run it up and down her arm, focusing my eyes on anything by her eyes. I close my mouth, frowning as the only I could think about were those three little words that meant so much.

I love you. Three words. Eight letters.

I didn't dare to look her in the eye, instead I push her off of me, getting off the bed. I get up, pacing the room, running a hand through my hair. I love you, Andrew Grayson. I had only heard thosewords come out of the mouths of my mother and my grandmother. It always felt like they had to love me because my mom gave birth to me, but she didn't have to love, but she did. My grandmother loved me, buts because she was family. And, family is blood. Blood is family. So, shouldn't family just love family altogether? But, that's no what surprised me, though.

It wasn't like I wasn't happy, or over the moon in joy, or anything -- because, I was. But, then, I was remembered of my first girlfriend (who cheated on me), and she said 'I love you'. And then you have my father, the bastard, who when I was kid would tell me he "loved" me. I wasn't very good at this kind of thing; relationships. I was diagnosed with attachment disorder when I was eleven, PTSD when I was thirteen and I witnessed a man being beaten to death, and a case of anger management disorder.

The thing about growing up in a small town was that word got around quickly. If you cheated on somebody, or if a married man or woman had an affair, all would seem like rumors to tourists, but the rest of knew it wasn't. Because, it would spread like wildfire. The word 'love' wasn't something you just throw around where I came from. Grown ups told it like if was some sort of oath -- which, when I was kid, I thought was some sort of joke --, but now that I'm standing here, having been just told those particular words, I was terrified.

It took me time, but I finally stopped pacing, escaping my thoughts, turning around facing Andromeda. When I turned around I saw a look of hurt, guilt, and sadness all mixed up into one, and it's something I liked to call: severe anxiety. Sitting on the bed, with their hands playing with the end of the comforter, sat my girlfriend. As I took more noticed if facial features I saw that her bottom lip was quivering, and her green emerald eyes -- which once shone bright only mere minutes ago -- were dark and misty, clouded by tears.

Slowly, I step closer to her, and when close enough, I take a strand of hair that was in her eyes and tuck it behind her ear. The gesture held words, ones I couldn't explain, but thankfully it's all it took for Andromeda to look up at me, staring into my eyes. Our eyes locked, and I saw how much pain I caused when I pushed her away from me. It was a lot.

She looks back down at her hands, still playing with comforter. "You... You don't need to say back, okay? It's just...," she takes a deep breath, her voice wavering in different pitches as she held back a sob. "It's - it's just... I needed you to know. Because, I do love you."

I bit my lip, my hands clenching into fists. "I - I can't. I just can't say it... I mean, I can, it's just... when you said those words I felt so happy, yet terrified at the same time."