Psychotic Tendencies: A Different Path

Decidin' Who I Am

I remember a time when I used to get home 10 at night cus' I was workin' the factory the whole day. Comin' home covered in soot and sweat because I was cleanin' all the machines in the place. Or blood and sweat because the guy who took my place the night after didn't properly turn off the machine so his arm got ripped off. After a short cold shower, I'd go to the kitchen and cook up the ingredients by written instruction left by Ma on the counter on a piece of napkin.

I remember wakin' up at 6 in the mornin', slippin' on the same clothin' and catchin' a glimpse of Ma along with the boys via kiss on the forehead. Leavin' the house, I'd walk down to the factory and do it all over again. That was after Pa's funeral so, naturally, everythin' fell on me.

I remember my face when Ma was awake, waitin' for me to get home to ask me to take the boys to work with me because this month's rent was heavier. I was fuckin' pissed. Not at Ma, not the boys, not the factory. No. But at myself because that night Pa was killed, I was supposed to go with him to work. Yet I chose to be "asleep" so I wouldn't have to go.

I remember buyin' a Colt 45 M1911 from some dealer with Pa's inheritence money and askin' around town. Finally findin' out the bastard Mister Hechoboh had set up those thugs to jump dad. I made my way down to that speakeasy and shot him like the fuckin' greasy porkchop pigshit motherfucker he was.

I remember meetin' Don Joseppi that same night and instantly felt a connection with him and the mafia he ran.

"We cover each other's backs. No matter what. Why? Because we're family, my boy. We're all tied together cus' we lost someone to someone, had been sellin' stuff we shouldn't to put a measly fuckin' loaf of bread on the table. Cus' like our regular families? We've all suffered together."

That's what he told me. Word for word. And I bought it like a pack of bubblegum from a kid I tossed a coin at.

I remember the first time I saw that fuckin' dagger, Don and I were takin' a stroll in the museum when he found it. He told me that it had an amazin' effect on whoever held it cus' it was blessed. Starin' at it, that golden sharp edge glistened at me. I felt...connected to it. Much more than Don Joseppi. Later that week, he sent me out with some boys to get it for him. And so I did. Now, look where I am. Dead. Put down much like Pa. Like a fuckin' dog.

Seein' the blade fade in a shinin' white light, I heard a voice that was familiar....Ma.

"Mio bambino! My son!"

Lookin' around, I was now in a white walled room as I spotted Ma in a white blouse and long skirt with her same coffee brown wool sweater Nana had given her. A nice lil' silver bracelet on left wrist and a lil' steel "cadenita" of the cross. She was just the way I remember her. Her hair a light coffee brown with her roots beginnin' to grey thanks to age and stress. Her warm light blue eyes scannin' me with a ray of blue sunshine. Runnin' up to her, I basically tackled her in a hug and laughed along with her as I picked her up off her feet.

Settin' her down, I gave her a giant kiss on the forehead as she grabbed my face and made me tilt it down. Kissin' my forehead in return, we hugged as she giggled and pulled away. Lookin' at me with that same warm smile she always wore when she saw me in the factory, street or at home when she got the lucky glimpse of me.

"Look at you...You've changed, my boy. You're no longer who you used to be."

"M-Ma, that's a lie...I've changed a lot. For the worst. I'm sorry, Ma. I'm sorry I left you and the boys."

Breakin' down into tears, she hugged my hesd as I buried my face into her shoulder. Sobbin' hysterically, she hummed a tune that she sang to the boys and I before we slept. Makin' me calm down after a bit before she tilted my head up.