In An Ideal World

Chapter Four: World

Amelia's POV

I sighed to myself, knowing that it was Arizona but I decided not to run; letting her sit down beside me. We both stayed silent for a few seconds, before I began muttering to myself. "Damn it, damn it, damn it"

"It's okay" Arizona said softly, placing her hand on my back but I ignored her. "Idiot, idiot, idiot" I mumbled to myself, beginning to bang my head against the railing which was beside me. Arizona sighed to herself and blocked the railing with her hand, but I continued to hit my head; except now against her hand.

"You're not an idiot, it's okay. Amelia, you're okay" Arizona tried to calm me down but it just wasn't working, I was too deep in my thoughts to even process the words that she was saying. All that mattered to me right in that moment was how much I hated myself for everything I had ever done. I left her, I got hooked on drugs, I was just overall a bad person. She knew it and I knew it, and the only difference between us both was the fact that she was too nice for her own good. "Amelia! Listen to me!" Arizona yelled but got no response from me. I just continued, "Screw-up, screw-up, ahh!"

Suddenly, I felt Arizona grab my face and then plant her lips on mine, kissing me for a moment before pulling away. I stopped moving completely and stayed silent, looking at her in shock. "Ames, I need you to listen to me." She finally said seriously, still holding my face so she could look me in the eyes.

"I'm still going to call you Ames, that's who you are alright? That's our thing and nobody can change that." Arizona began, the sincerity evident in her eyes. "You're not an idiot or a screw-up, I know what you're upset about but it's okay, I swear I'm okay." She explained. "I knew when I met you how unpredictable you were, so I was prepared that you would run if you got scared and it still hurt when it happened, but I'm okay"

I stared at Arizona for what felt like forever before pulling her into a kiss once again. "I'm so sorry" My voice cracked from guilt as I took Arizona's hand into my own. "I'll do anything to make up for it, anything." I suggested, giving her a pleading look.

"Anything?" Arizona asked, her voice remaining gentle and sincere and I just nodded, continuing to give her the look. Arizona did her thinking face and then smiled at me, "Quit avoiding me" She said clearly and I nodded vigorously.

"Done!" I exclaimed a little too loudly, causing Arizona to giggle a little. She stayed silent for another minute before asking, "Ames, did you ever just move on and forget about me, when you moved away to- wherever that was? Or did you not think about me?"

I sighed, realising if I didn't tell her the truth now I would be kidding myself. "No, I never forgot about you nor did I move on; I tried to date some men but it just wasn't the same" I began and then looked down at my lap in sadness. "I got scared because I fell for you, and that was new and scary and I didn't know what to do, so I ran. I got too scared to go back even though I missed you with all my heart" I confessed and then looked back up at her. "You probably thought I was just a fuckgirl" I added as tears began forming in my eyes once again.

Arizona's face had completely changed when I looked back up, I wasn't sure why but the slight look of curiosity was wiped away and it seemed to be replaced with sadness and guilt; although I wasn't sure why. "Oh honey..." Arizona finally spoke with a pure delicacy in her voice as if she sort of understood where I was coming from; even though I doubt she did. "Have you been hurting like this the whole time?"

I nodded and Arizona moved forward, leaning her head on my shoulder. "Were you scared of people judging you?" She asked and I immediately jumped away and stood up, "O-o-of course not!" I fought her off, pushing her away but it was pretty obvious that she had hit the sensitive spot for me, even though I wouldn't admit it. "Were you?" She persists, looking up at me and piercing me with her vibrant blue eyes.