25 Letters [h.s]

Letter 5

"Anastasia! Ana, darling wake up. Please, you have to get ready." My mother's voice started out tense and then eased into mock calmness. She was fully aware that yelling and screaming had no effect on me, and just by the tone of her voice, I knew she was desperate for me to wake up.

"Your sister has an important dance recital, college scouts will be there, and you know she wants you to attend. She loves you, we all do." I groaned, slowly letting my eyes flutter open. I know Mom didn't expect much out of me, getting out of bed itself deserved an applause. She's reminded me weeks in advance about this very day, but I let her words slip away from me like water seeping through my finger tips.

After one last tug on the covers protecting me from the world, she opened the blinds, torturing me with daylight that uninvitingly intruded my bedroom. "I left your clothes on the chair," she pursed her lips together, eyeing me up and down, "I love you very much. Thank you for doing this. You know Margret will be happy." Mom gave me one last glance and smiled again, letting me know my efforts of living was not going unnoticed.

So I did as I was told. I put the unflattering dress on after getting into the shower. I ate my breakfast and drank my coffee. I hugged my perfect sister and congratulated her. I nodded my head and smiled, but I didn't feel happy. I didn't feel like Anastasia, in fact far from her. I felt isolated in a theater full of swarming people finding their seats for the show. Everyone in my sight were talking. They were all laughing and making sophisticated jokes in their charade of a perfect family, all there waiting to watch their trophy children make them proud.

There was something missing. It was like a piece of who I am had lost itself in the crowd, and it would be as easy to find a lost left ear-ring than find that piece of me.

Everyone was making empty conversation before the show, dialogues I preferred to keep out of. I was sat there alone, lost in my head. I was captivated by nothing, a tap on the shoulders brought me back down to reality.

I looked over to find Louis, a wide grin spread on his lips. He was one of Harry's best friends, and I know Louis had had a hard time with Harry's passing. I haven't seen him since Harry's funeral, I didn't expect to see him here. I almost forgot his sister was almost as competitive in dance as mine. I was glad he attended though. He understood how I was feeling, and I was forever grateful that there was someone in the universe who understood exactly how dreadful losing Harry may feel. His smile was artificial, it was easy to see Louis felt like shit.

"Louis," I let out, breathlessly as he pulled me in for a hug. He was all dressed up. A suit and a bow tie and he looked handsome. He cleaned up well, all though I could smell the smoke in his hair.

"How have you been?" I knew I didn't have to answer. I knew Louis knew that I've been in an endless cycle of boarder-line existing, of pretending to be okay. I could tell he felt the same way.

I told him I was doing fine, he told me not to bullshit him.

There was a pause, his words hanging in the air. "How has it been for you? I know he loved you more than anything, and I'm not exaggerating. It was easy to tell that you loved him just as much." Louis asked, his eyes examining his palms, knowing he was diving into dangerous territory by asking.

I let out a dry laugh, "It's been hell. I miss him so much. Crazy to think we'll never see him laugh again, or talk, or walk or just see Harry be Harry. That's the hardest part. When someone dies, they say you only miss them because of the things they provide for you. Like the safety or happiness you felt around them, but that's not how it was for Harry. I miss him doing everyday things that don't even concern me like how he made everyone feel important, not just me, everyone. Anyone who has ever had a conversation with Harry knows what I mean. He was a genuinely nice person, it wasn't a facade. I don't know how it's been for me really, I still don't understand that he's gone, you know?"