25 Letters [h.s]

Letter 2

It's been about a week since the first letter, I couldn't bring myself to open the next one. Hell, I couldn't get myself to stop crying or shaking or take of Harry's shirt. Besides the first week he was gone, this was the worst. It was like watching him die all over again, it was like being so in love with nothing.

What Harry didn't know is I remembered that morning too.

I woke up to his touch but didn't open my eyes. My ears were filled with Harry's whispers, his voice still fresh with the raspiness of the morning. He told me he loved me, and I swear my heart stopped. I did everything I could to not smile, to stay completely still so I could let him finish his thoughts. He left his side of the bed, and when I was sure he was out of ear shot I whispered back I love you.

These letters were my secret, not one living soul knew about these beside me. Harry left them under the bed, and after days of sobbing on the floor, my eye caught the box and since then, my brain was flooded with anticipation.

Even though my escape was sleep, I couldn't bring myself to fall into my dreams that night. Until the morning light cluttered my room, I followed the patterns on the ceiling with my eyes and chased the fan in mindless circles, challenging myself to keep my gaze on one of the blades and ran after it with my eyes before I got too dizzy and gave up.

I could still feel Harry's body next to me. I could feel the dip in the bed where he lay, I could smell his rich vanilla scent that always calmed me down. For a minute, I didn't feel so alone. For a minute I forgot how unfair life was, how the one person who could flood my world with sunshine left me in the dark, all by myself.

I could feel my hand run through his hair, telling him how much I loved it. I could still hear him called me a dork as we passed by places people would normally not give a second glance at, but I'd never fail to tell Harry an interesting fact about the land we stood upon. I could still feel my hand in his as he hums my favorite songs under his breath.

And all of a sudden I was screaming I was kicking I was crying I couldn't breathe. I was drowning and I was underwater and my lungs were capacitated by water. I couldn't stop screaming, my throat was so dry all my screams came out in croaks but I still yelled. I kicked my feet into my mattress and punched the wall, though no damage was done to the wall, my knuckles were bruised and bleeding.

I was insane. I was completely mad. I was out of my mind. "I don't know who I am." I screamed as loud as my mouth could let me. "I don't know who I am without you Harry, why the fuck did you leave me so fucked up and all alone?" I trailed my sentences off with more screams and yells and kicks.

This happened about weekly. Mom knew the drill by now, she scurried in with a glass of water and sat me up as she told me to breathe. She told me it was all okay, that this would pass. She told me life has it's ways of working and she told me to focus on what I have, not what I lost. After she got my breathing to a steady pace, she handed me the water and draped a blanket around my shoulders. She stayed with me for another ten minutes or so just to make sure I was calm before acting like nothing happened and offering me breakfast.

I lied and told her I'd be down in a minute. Mom closed the door softly, keeping me in my room. My eyes shut, and I tilted my head backwards. There's nothing in the world I could do to prepare for Harry's words. I slid my body to the floor and pulled the box out.

My hands were shaking and I could feel a part of me dying. This boy that I trusted with my whole entire life was gone, and when I read his letter it was like I was reminded of all that the universe has taken away from me.

I dug through the folded envelopes, looking for the the one marked #2. It was crazy to think that all Harry's secrets were in my hands. I remember long ago he told me he didn't want to die a mystery as apposed to me. He wanted someone to understand him, even if he wasn't there to experience it.

I stumbled upon the letter and tore the flap to reveal Harry's words neatly written across the white sheet, my heart dropped to my stomach.

 Dear Anastasia,

How are you doing, love? You decided to keep reading, I genuinly was afraid you'd give up on me. I know this has been tough on you, but I couldn't be in the state you are in now; the state of living. I hated it, I directed all my hate towards myself on things on the world, making me extremly bitter. You were sugar, making me forget hate and only be full of love. I love you.

These letters are premated with sadness and the way I feel, yet somehow you still decide to read them and even being dead I'll probably fall in love with you a little bit more everyday. You still have 23 left, so I might as well make some happy, just like you deserve to be, happy.

I wanted to tell you my favorite memory of us. It was the day I took you and my mom and Gemma to the beach when they were visiting. I know you know what happend on that day, as I had the joy of making these memories with you, but I want you to know my side of the story.

We left to go the beach around one or two, and you talked to Gemma like you've known her for ages. I was driving with my mom in the passenger seat, you and Gemma in the back. I don't know what the words you were sharing consisted of but I knew I was happy. Gem is a little uptight and hard to understand, but you didn't care. Thank you for that.

We arrived at the beach, and the salty waves made you act like a six your old girl. You'd hold my hand, our toes digging into the sand in anticipation as the freezing water washed over our legs; you screeched with excitment as the waves pulled us in.

You made sandcastles and played vollyball with me (even though I refuse to admit it, you were way better than me.) You hung out with my mom and shared secrets with my sister, and I watched you. You had a much more vast ocean in your eyes than the sea itself.

Soon after, the sun was setting. You grabbed my hand and told me you had a secret to show me. You dragged me up a lighthouse, and as we climbed the spiral stairwell you told me you've never shown this to anybody before because nobody but me would be able to see what you saw.

You took me to the very top, and it was breath taking. The world was in our hands that night. The sky was painted orange and pink and purple, all for us. We were both standing on the edge of the world, and I looked over at you.

That's when I noticed you're love for the wind. The way your eyes closed in bliss, the ruthless wind holding you hostage. The air was filled with sea salt and the smoke from my ciggerette but you took it all in anyways. In that state of beauty, the world around you was a mere backdrop. You could have easily been a siren alluring boys into the ocean, but you weren't. And you chose me instead of anyone else.

You kissed me then, I couldn't help but smile into your lips. You didn't mind.

The sky turned dark and stars littered the sky. I would steal every star in the for you, you know that right, Ana?

I tried to tell you about constillations but you told me to shut up. When I asked you why, you told me that you could not bear to trap the stars. I was so intrested in you, you were a mystery to me. I've never felt the desire to learn all about someone, all they're ideas and thoughts and opnions on the world, until I met you.

You changed me Anastasia, you made me into a better person.

Love, Harry Styles

"Hey Ana are you coming down for breakfast?" My mom's voice echoed through the empty halls. I wasn't crying like last time, I was still. I didn't want to reply to her, I didn't want to talk. I got up and sat myself down, too in my head to say a single word for the rest of the day.