25 Letters [h.s]

Letter 15

I needed to be up in exactly two hours and three minutes and I haven't got an ounce of sleep tonight. Not only was I nervous for uni, but all the stress that came from the moment that Louis and I shared only added on to my tower of built up anxiety.

School. I'd have to catch up and get good grade, I'm already a semester behind. I need to talk and act normal to all my classmates. Everyone knows about what happened with Harry and I, I'd have to prepare myself to talk about his death.

Louis. I know what I want, him. I know what he wants, me. It was absolutely not that simple at all, though. Why was he outside of that casino? Was he playing that game of poker with Zayn and Niall he had talked about? Why do all his friends play poker, did Louis only make friend's with people who play poker?

Then it clicked, there in the middle of the room at 5:00 AM, I think I completed Louis' jigsaw puzzle of a life.

That's why he's so rich.

That's why his friends play poker, he met them at the casino.

That's why he never gave me a valid response to my reoccurring question of what the hell he does for a living; it's because he gambles.

I don't know a whole lot about anything casino related, but I know almost every game is a game of chance, and chance has to do with probability, which has to do with math. "He's smart" I whispered to myself, just so I could hear it. That's why he does it, he's just solving equations in his mind, he's there for the kill; to win. I could be making this all up, I knew I could but all the roads lead me to believe that this is Louis' job. Chance.

It all happened last night, there was no way I could talk to Louis so soon after. I glanced at the clock making it's rounds on my wall, I couldn't call him up. He could never of sobered up from the night before. It was like being able to hold something, but not own it, Louis and I.

How do I just let go of Harry? He was such a big part of my life, he's my anchor pulling me down and urging me to stay away from life, but goddamn I love him.

That reminded me of his thought out, love filled letters. Maybe Harry wasn't my anchor, maybe these notes to me are. Maybe even though I have come to terms with Harry's death, I am still partly responsible for how things turned out. Maybe that's the reason I can't peel myself from his paper. Either way I pulled out the fifteenth one.

Dear Anastasia,

How are you? I know I ask this every letter, I wondered if you've picked up on it yet. It's because I really care, I really really do.

I wanted to talk about all my mistakes, everything I regret, everything I wish I had said. I know this seems ridiculous because we all inevitably make mistakes and wish we could take back words, but I feel like you need to hear this. I've noticed that you never want to fuck up. You want to please everyone, you never want to do something wrong. When you do do something wrong you are so hard on yourself Anastasia and I never want you to feel that way. Maybe knowing that you're not alone will make you're life a little easier.

I regret not staying in contact with the few other friends I made in college along with Louis. If Louis turned out to be so important to me, maybe if I gave the other kids I met there a chance I wouldn't only have two important people in my life.

I wish I didn't always feel upset. I know I'm going to die, and it's what I want but why can't I stop feeling sad if I know it's all going to end soon? I want to be happy more than anything, I want to feel the way I feel around you everywhere I go.

I hate the fact that I took my mother for granted even for one second. Just like any other kid, I'd get mad at her for no good reason, I wish I could punch the younger me in the face every time I remember things like that. I should have hugged her everyday, I shouldn't have ended a day without saying I loved her.