𝖡𝖠𝖦 𝖮𝖥 𝖡𝖮𝖭𝖤𝖲 | outsiders oneshots

in memory of

wanting what you cannot have .
knowing better yet doing it anyways .
living for one single reason , dying when it's lost .

" he's just a kid . . he's just a kid . . "

death took its grip on him , stealing the light from the ice in his eyes .
the ice once glowing with the hatred of the whole world .
seventeen years wasted on his irredeemable soul .

" not dally too . . not dally too . . "

it's almost too hot as the sun's rays leak onto dallas winstons pale arms , his mom just died , so he heard . it seemed as though his mother was the only person in the entire godforsaken world who cared about him , and now she was gone . just like everyone who dallas got close too , they all ended up leaving him someday & somehow .

tear droplets are rolling down his sunburnt cheeks , adding a sparkle to his young face .
he's eleven years old , hopping a freight train with the hopes of never coming back .
nobody wanted him there .  besides , he was a menace to society , he had already been arrested three times . he wasn't needed , his father had no regard for his safety . he didn't care where he was , he didnt care what he was doing .
he took a loose piece of his white - blonde hair and swooped it behind one of his elvish ears . he was ready to disappear . to run off someplace nobody would ever find him , they didn't need too .

" it isn't loaded . . it isn't loaded . . "

he was now twelve , fending for himself on the streets of the wild side of new york city . he was already feared , he had jumped more people then he could count . yet , there was still emptiness . there was still a constant longing for something , anything , any emotion at all to peek through the darkness and reside in him . he was living everyday on auto pilot , he really took his true emotions for granted when he had them , didn't he ? now , that was a lifetime ago . . he wasn't happy , he wasn't sad , and most surprisingly he wasn't angry . he was numb . he couldn't feel anything at this point .

he was trying to live in the moment , he was trying to forget about his past and completely disregard the future . but , the fact that he was living all alone in a shitty studio apartment which consisted of furniture covered in dust that he collected from dumpsters and abandoned back-alleys , stolen food and water he needed to survive and burnt out cigarettes on the cold hard ground hindered his lifestyle quite a bit , he was starting to grow used to it , but it was still troubling . he was facing a hardship with money , he was a twelve year old boy living & fending completely himself in one of the biggest cities in america .

" he's only seventeen . . he's only seventeen . ."

he was now fourteen , returning to tulsa once and for all . he had done everything there was to do in new york , they didn't need him anymore . so he did the exact same thing that landed him here , he hopped on a freight train and left . his life in new york supplied him with so much built up rage and anger . it burned so brightly inside of him , it was now playing a waiting game until he would blow up .

a few days after returning to tulsa , he met the curtis gang , but his ice eyes only sparkled for a quiet - defeated looking thirteen year old . johnny cade . he was the runt of the group , the polar opposite of dally himself . he woke up everyday and went to bed every night thinking of johnny . he was dallys fuel to live , he was dallys fuel to keep that built up rage and anger inside of him and not blow up at anyone , he had already subconsciously decided that when johnny died , he would die also . he couldn't imagine a world without johnny cade in it , most importantly he couldn't imagine his world without johnny cade in it . dallas ' survival was fully dependent on jonathan , quite unhealthily so .

" you're killing him . . you're killing him . . "

him and johnnys relationship continued , they each unspokenly depended on each other for happiness and the will to live . one night , johnny and dally were in the lot , staring up at the stars and the infinite galaxies above . the stars burned almost as brightly for their love for eachother . the cosmos and the moon blurred together , it was as if time had stopped . everything was frozen in its place  , oh , how dally wished it would last forever . 

subtly , johnny lies his head on dallys shoulder . dally didn't think anything of it , he couldn't possibly be perpetrating this gesture in anything but a platonic sense . dally wrapped his arm around johnnys torso , johnny exhaled and relaxed . shutting his chocolate - brown hues and eventually drifting off , falling completely asleep on the bigger boys shoulder . dallas decided he was gonna stay awake all night out there , letting johnny sleep . his parents had just beaten him quite badly . he needed the rest . dally sighed , kissing johnnys head and looking back up at the stars .

" he's only seventeen . . he's only seventeen . . "

johnny was gone . his eyes burnt out like a candle without a flame right in front of dally . right after he had told johnny how proud he was . never in his right mind would he have done what johnny did with those kids , he didn't have the immense amount of courage johnny possessed , he could never match up . dally managed to only care about himself , despite everything that happened to him , johnny still managed to put other people before him . dally didn't care what was gonna happen if johnny lived , oh how he wished it wasn't an if . everything in him knew johnny was dying . he pushed it to the back of his head , pretending that johnny would be okay . pretending that he would bounce back from it and he would move up in society , more people would respect him with the title " hero " , therefore , more people would respect the greasers as a whole , right ? he kept telling himself that it would all be okay in the end . spoiler alert , he was lying .

he wanted to yell , he wanted to scream and shout and never stop . but he didn't . all he could do was stare blankly at that empty carcass , that empty carcass wasn't johnny . sure , it had the same natural pout painted on its lips , it had the same childlike look with its eyes shut . it had the same deep , tan skin . but it wasn't johnny , johnny was gone and he was never coming back . he left dallas just like everybody . dally punched the wall of the hospital room , almost leaving a hole . his pale palms dripping with blood , sweat and tears . and then he was running , he didnt know where he was going but all he knew is that one : he left ponyboy behind , and two : he needed to die . he couldnt commit direct suicide , that would be a pussy move . he didnt want people to put up suicide prevention posters all because of him . god knows they wouldn't normally care . he was running down the sidewalk , his footsteps echoing in a chorus all around him everytime he took another step . his long , white - blonde hair blew in the wind , hitting him in the face a few times .

and then he was in a store , he didn't know what he was doing . he pulled out his heater , aiming it at the cashier's head . he was out of his right mind , he was doing something he could never undo . " give me the money ! " he yelled , and the cashier did . he started running again and another gun went off behind him . he knew he got shot , but all he could do was keep running . he reached a phone , he dialed the curtises number . god did he regret this already . he talked to darry , and then he just kept running to the park . his vision was getting blurry , red and blue lights were beaming and police sirens were blaring in his ears . he pointed the gun in his hand at the police , the same hand that had held johnnys so many times , the same hand that would caress johnnys soft face . " you'll never get me alive ! "  which was true , the cops then all simultaneously aimed at him just as the gang ran up . they were missing one important member , the only member that dally truly cared about . the guns fired , and then all dally felt was a million sharp pains all over his body . blood splattered on his white shirt and pale skin , he was half jerked around by the bullets , and then he was on the ground .

to the gang it'll be greif ,

darry was yelling , unable to believe his eyes .

to the law , a relief ,

the policemen put their guns away , their job here was done .

but it's death for dallas tucker winston .

dallas choked , and then his eyes burnt out . all of that built up rage and anger burnt out with him . he had fufilled that unspoken promise he had made to johnny all those years ago . seventeen years of life was wasted on dallys irredeemable soul . it was too late , nobody could save him now .