A Beautiful Melancholy

“I guess i'm just tired. Too tired. It's hard for me to continue on.” Gerard spoke quietly, as he left himself a voicemail. “I um… im not sure what to say next,” he muttered to himself, as he turned his car, going home from the studio. 

“Here… okay…” he started again “Frankie and Ray; I'm sorry. I said I would be okay, and for a moment I actually believed it. I’m uhh… I just really want to let you two know that uhm… you guys have really been taking care of me, and I uh, I really needed it. Thanks for giving me a shoulder. And uhm… Make sure that Mikey is okay for me? Please?” he paused again, thinking. “Mom and dad; I tried. I know this is going to be hard on the whole family, but… i know you guys are tough, and uhm… thank you for everything. And lastly Mikey; I know this will be the hardest for you. Please, it isn't your fault. It isn't anybody’s fault but my own, okay? You can't change what uhm… what happened to uh, me.” he paused for a moment, trying to think of what comforts he would want to receive, and how he would be feeling. “Remember to keep yourself alive, okay? Do it for me. Remember that Frank and Ray will uhm, they’ll always be there for you, okay? You guys can lean on each other.

“And, i'm sorry for ruining your uh, your dream. I know you’ve always wanted to be in a band, since you were a little kid. And I uhm, i'm sorry that I won't be there when you guys become the uh, the best in the world… So yeah. I love you. Uhm, I love all of you guys. I’ll miss you. Bye.” Gerard hung up, and saved the voicemail for himself, before driving the last few blocks to his apartment.

When he got there, he stayed in his seat for a few moments, taking in his last time being in this car. He knew he wouldn't miss it. He wouldn't miss anything. He wouldn't be able to. He'd be dead.

When he eventually got out, he stood still and looked around thinking about life.

Gerard sighed as he walked from his car to his apartment. Putting his hands in his pockets, he tried to temporarily avoid his dark thoughts of looming death.

Clouds had been covering up the sky all day, but he didn't mind, because he had been recording with the band all day. It was good fun while it lasted, but it didn't keep his intrusive thoughts away for long.

He knew Frank could tell that there was something off with him. Mikey and Ray noticed too, but neither of them had mentioned anything. As they were all leaving, Frank had pulled him to the side, but Gerard just brushed him off, saying it was nothing. Just a bad day.

He had started the morning boldly, wanting to cut himself while he was washing his dishes from the night before. But the worst was yet to come.

The whole day, he struggled to focus, constantly distracted. The same ideas and images kept popping into his head. Him hanging by a noose in his closet. Him laying on the floor, a knife loose in his hand, a slit in his throat. An empty pill bottle by his dead body.

He kept hearing the voice in his head tell him to kill himself. He couldn't stop thinking about it. What he would put in his note. What was the most accessible thing he could get his hands on. He was thinking like he planned on doing it that night.

Every time something came into his head, Gerard would try to shake it away and dismiss it. As the day went on though, it became harder. Less of intrusive thoughts, and more of unintentional planning. By their mid morning smoke, he knew he didn't deserve to be alive anymore. His brain wouldn't keep telling him to kill himself, unless he actually should.

He spent a good hour and a half, occupied with ideas of who might find him, trying to tailor his methods around that.

He knew if Mikey was going to find him, he didn't want it to be too graphic. Gerard was way beyond deciding not to do it “for his family’s sake,” he just knew he wanted to make it as least traumatic as possible for them.