Suicide Angels - Why Dont We Family-

never be alone

Jonah couldn't sleep he was up almost the whole night. It started as just waiting for Zach and Daniel to come home but then it turned into him laying in bed staring at the ceiling drifting in and out of sleep. So now he sat up awake in his office bored out of his mind. Corbyn was peacefully asleep on the couch and Zach Daniel and Jack were also still asleep. He had nothing to do at all but he couldn't sleep and believe me he's tired. He was stressed, worried, and exhausted but he just couldn't seem to rest. So he found himself taking a trip down memory lane and looking through old photographs. Sitting on the floor of his office with old picture books spread out in front of him. 

He realized people change especially teenagers but how could a kid that was nothing but happy suddenly become so angry? He knew Zach was just hiding behind the traumatic experience and saying that's why he's like this but he knew the experience greatly affected him. He had been waiting for weeks for the police to contact him again and nothing more had happened it was like he never even filed the report, they were doing nothing as to his knowledge and he was angry. Angry because it was something bigger than him that he couldn't control that constantly reminded him of how he couldn't protect what he was supposed to. It was hard not to drink, it was hard not to bash Zach's head in and yell at him for the way he's been acting, it was hard knowing what he went through, it was hard watching him scream and cry, it was hard everything was hard. it was hard to just not give up and sob. He's glad he knows now but a part of him wishes he didn't. it's obvious why he wishes he didn't know, its the most heartbreaking thing to watch something that you love unconditionally crumble in front of your eyes. He knew they couldnt do this on their own he knew they needed help but he couldnt do it, he couldnt send him away but he knew he needed to. It almost doesnt feel real.

 @  The.Venting.Machine

The version 5-year-old me made of my teenage self was way cooler.

Having a broken rib sucked ass. Not being able to sleep and having a broken rib was worse. It hurt to move and to breathe too hard. He felt the need for the white tablets that had been keeping him going for so long. The more he thought about them the more he realized was he did it for the feeling not that they were 'diet pills' He felt like he couldnt function without it he had an awful migraine but he couldnt sleep so he was left huddled in his bed phone close to his face. Tears dried up because none were left, his eyes drooped but sleep didnt seem to come. He hoped someone would come in and help in any way possible. He wanted someone to come hold him and be there no talking just being there because he knew if they talked something would happen either a lecture or he would end up crying and getting pitied. All he did was cry now and he was sick of it he just couldnt control himself anymore and if he was being honest he really didnt want to die he just wanted it to stop. Like many he just wanted the pain to be gone, he'd do anything for a good day. He hated the old zach yet he missed him and wanted to be him again. 

Memories kept flooding back but were getting foggier and foggier he was forgetting. Forgetting things he didnt want to forget, childhood memories he cherished were turning to forgotten ash in his brain and concentration was getting harder. As he was very very sick the symptoms bounced just like a good day and a bad day but he still doesn't acknowledge it and it was becoming more serious, to the point he cant focus enough to even remember what he ate hours earlier. He was so angry and he didnt even know why he was anymore, maybe it was because he was a hormonal sick teenager, maybe it was because he was addicted to something he didnt even know, maybe it was because he craved attention and validation from others, maybe it was because he felt he had to get hurt in order to get his parents attention, maybe it was because he started thinking about his birth parents, maybe it was because he was upset it happened, maybe it was because he was so panicked and filled with anxiety, maybe it was because he was lacking so much sleep. Whatever it was he didnt know how to control and take it in.