Eight Letters / Taegyu; Until the End

five

opening and closing up again

word count; 712

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it was the first day of classes after he showed up. lunch was only a period ago. about 45 minutes in duration since he sat between the two of us.

i know he didn't mean anything by it. he was just trying to make friends, and beomgyu was the type of kid to not judge anyone until he got to know them. i thought it was very kind of him to invite him to our table to make him feel less lonely because we had all been there at least once. if not at school, we all had at least somehow experienced the feeling of being thrown to the wolves all on our own.

but i didn't understand why i felt so hurt. when he paused ever so slightly, that nobody else probably even noticed as empty air passed his lips for a millisecond, while telling the kid that i was his best friend. 

it was ridiculous, of course i was aware of that. but i've always been the jealous type.

the irrational fear of him taking beomgyu away from me just because he had sat next to him at lunch. the irrational fear that irked at me when he hesitated for the tiniest of a second when he introduced me. the irrational fear peeking through when he slid away from me to let the younger sit between us.

i had always known i had possessive issues. what was mine was mine and that was it. end of story.

but that's not how people work. they aren't blocks at preschool, they aren't crayons in elementary class that i can grab and not let go of. i could not lock beomgyu away to keep to myself no matter how much i might want to when i see him with others. 

for clarification, it isn't just like this with him. i've felt these urges of possession and jealousy for yeonjun, soobin, our other friends. but no urges were as strong as the ones for beomgyu. 

was that because he was my best friend? or was it because i had a crippling love for him that i had never feltfor anyone else?

i didn't know but i sure as hell was scared to find out. they always told me to squish the thoughts, the urges, the anger that came with the urges to tell him to back off and push him away.

because i had experienced the feelings that emerged when i didn't stop the thoughts from coming through. and it was something i never wanted to experience again. especially when focused upon the topic of my friend.

of course beomgyu didn't know this about me. it was a scary thing to open up to people about because they may picture me to be a loser teetering on the edge of a pathetic self destructive mind if not understood the right way. so only two people aside from my therapist and my parents knew of the toxins clouding my mind all the time. those being the oldest of our group.

the ones we tended to call the 'parents' of the group. especially for me and beomgyu. because they knew everything about us. they knew more than our parents ever did. they were more of parents than our actual parents. 

i had introduced them to beomgyu when i first met the couple in junior high. the longer time of knowing one another led to me being the 'favorite child' i guess you could say. it's not that i was the favorite persae, but more of a time based bond and the fact that beomgyu didn't need them as much as i did.

beomgyu didn't even know that i needed them as much as i did.

it sucked to feel guilty about hiding important parts of your life and yourself from your best friend who trusted you with so much that it was almost overwhelming. but in a good way. i just felt that i would spare him the bad parts of myself. because it was a burden to anyone involved.

well, not just that.

there was also the fear of my best friend thinking of me as the crazy green eyed, weak, emotional, messy monster.

that being a thought i don't think i could ever face.

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