I was sitting in a diner when I saw them.
All three of them, at a table just a couple down from me. I briefly wondered if they saw me and just chose not to say anything. The thought didn't last long. I couldn't come up with a good reason not to go say hi so I got up from my table with a sudden urge as if I needed to do this, briskly making my way over to their booth.
My hand lightly graced their table. "Hey," I smiled weakly. "How've you guys been?"
I went to sit down but Jen stuck out her legs underneath the table so her feet were now resting in the spot I wanted to take. "You can't sit down."
My fingers moved off the table. "Oh." My single word floated through the air, no one daring to acknowledge it.
They all glanced at each other, and I was made aware that for some reason none of them liked me. Their facial expressions alone were enough to signal to me that I was unwanted. I did shitty things, but who hasn't? I don't remember doing anything so unforgivable that it warranted the absolute disgust they all had for me.
"Well," I sighed and took a step back. "This was clearly a mistake." I spun on my heels and went back to my seat, dropping a $20 on the table and leaving the diner.
How humiliating. How absolutely humiliating.
The gears turned in my mind. Was I that shitty of a person? Weren't we all friends just a few days ago? What did I do? Think what did I do....
I'm just a piece of shit, that's what it is. But at least I acknowledge it, right? At least I know I am.
I thought about all the people who were no longer in my life. Was that just a part of growing up or was I genuinely that much of an ass to that many people? I was the common denominator. I had to be.
I was walking to my car when everything became fuzzy. I stopped in my tracks and blinked hard, opening my eyes and refocusing on where I was at. The school parking lot.
In front of me stood Darren. My breath hitched in my throat. He hated me too. Why did he hate me?
"Darren," the word escaped my mouth like someone who wouldn't dare to whisper it, in fear that the sharp daggers that remained of our broken love would plunge and settle right into my heart.
"Do you regret it?" I asked him wearily. My eyes darted to his lips before finding their way back to his pretty green eyes.
He froze. "Regret what?"
"Never giving us a real chance."
My hand found it's way to his chest as he took a step forward, our faces only inches apart.
His lips hovered over mine, me heart beating a mile a minute. He shook his head sadly at me and kept his voice low. "When will you get it?"
"Get what?"
He stepped away from me as if he suddenly remembered my touch was poison. "That you ruined everything."
I went to respond but found that he was no longer there. I stood with my mouth agape, staring at the spot he had just been standing in. When I looked down at my feet, the pavement of the parking lot glitched into a carpeted floor. There was a half empty beer bottle in my hand. This was my house now, and it was spinning.
Someone was storming down the stairs. I set the bottle down and braced myself for whatever was coming but found it increasingly difficult to focus all that long on anything. I sat down on the couch, grasping my knees.
"You can't be here," he seethed.
I blinked tiredly at my brother. "Please...just for a little bit. Let me stay."
He clenched his hands into fists, a layer of tears forming over his eyes. He spoke through gritted teeth. "No. Get out."
I tried again. "Please Luke. Just for a moment. We can play that game you've been talking about if you want. T-the one on the Xbox. What do you say?"
His eyebrows furrowed, looking torn. "Don't make me ask you to leave again Harper."
I gazed distantly at nothing, nodding in defeat as I stood up, swaying as I made my way to the front door. I shut it softly behind me. The air was thin out here. It made my skin itch.
"You look pretty worn down."
I turned my head. As I did the sun flickered and in its place came a dim bulb. I was standing in a poorly lit room. I couldn't find the source of the voice.
"I'm sorry, do I know you?" I directed my question to no one in particular.
"No." His voice came close from behind me. I jumped and spun around to face him. "But it's probably better that way, isn't it?"
I had a feeling he knew something. "Do you know what I did to hurt all of them? I ruined their lives."
He pressed his lips together, motioning for me to follow him. "You didn't ruin their lives. You ruined yours."
A table appeared in front of us. And on it, a wide array of substances. Pills, needles, bands, powder, beer bottles, and a shit ton of other stuff.
I walked up to it all. "What are you saying?"
"I'm saying you're dying right now, Harper."
I scoffed. "I'm not dying."
"You couldn't sit down with your friends. You couldn't kiss Darren. You couldn't play Xbox with Luke."
My eyes never stopped flickering across the table. "Because they didn't want me to."
"Didn't they?"
I looked at him, feeling uneasy. "Are you saying they're all mad at me because I'm dead? Because I was never actually there?"
His silence spoke volumes.
I turned my attention back to the table. "I did this?"
I took a step back, my hands unable to stop shaking. "No...you've got it wrong. This isn't me. How do I fix it? I want to go back."
"It's too late," he whispered. A chill went down my spine as the lightbulb above us flickered and burned out, the room becoming engulfed in pitch black.
"No, wait!" I reached my hand out for him but he was gone.
I felt my breathing going shallow. Where was I actually? Was I on some bathroom floor of a gas station, in and out of consciousness? Or was I sitting in my car in an empty parking lot on a school night? My eyes felt heavy in the dark.
"Help me," I cried. "Please, help me."
I fell to my knees. So this was it. The last memories I had of the people in my life had just been hallucinated by a drugged up version of me.
At least I wasn't alone when I was dying, I was just surrounded by people who hated me for it.
