**trigger warning: contains content such as depression/suicidal thoughts**
Survivor's guilt is what they called it.
Alex thought that was a pretty fitting name.
He always felt it lingering over his head. Every time he smiled or laughed or realized he was enjoying himself he faltered, the light draining out of his eyes.
No, the voice would remind him. You don't deserve to be happy.
So he began to distance himself from his friends. Most of them didn't seem to notice or even show they cared, too preoccupied with the hectic air of college life. None of them seemed to notice that Alex hardly slept or ate, didn't notice the bags under his defeated eyes or how unhealthily fast he was losing weight. Didn't notice he was talking less and how when he did, his voice broke as if every word was painful to get out. He hardly looked directly at people, hardly did anything or go anywhere. They failed to notice he was barely alive.
Besides Jayden. He didn't let go. Despite being pushed away by Alex he stayed with him through all of it, refusing to leave his side.
Two days left
Alex wasn't able to focus in any of his classes. His grades were falling alarmingly fast but he couldn't seem to find the motivation to keep up and learn the topics. College didn't seem so important anymore anyways. After all, his life could end at any moment. That's what happened to...
He took a raspy breath while using the back of his hand to rub away the tears trying to fall. Alex refused to cry, knowing that if he did he'd never be able to stop. So he pushed them further back. Although the grief was immense the guilt was even heavier, attached to his ankle like an anchor.
And he was drowning.
Every breath he took felt like something he didn't deserve, a constant reminder that he was the one who lived. Once classes ended he went out of the building and began to drag his feet. He shoved his hands into his pockets, having initially taken for granted how cold it was outside. Dark clouds lurked around, threatening at any moment to unleash a heavy storm.
Alex threw his bag onto a bench and plopped down next to it, observing the busy city in front of him. Cars and taxis zoomed by. The buildings were always brightly lit.
"The cities never sleep, Alex. That's why I want to go there."
"What's wrong with staying here with mom and dad?" He asked her with a frown.
"Nothing! Nothing. But picture another life, one away from here. One with busy streets and skyscrapers and crowds of people. A place that feels...alive. You know what I mean?"
He knew what she meant now. She would've loved it. He watched the city for awhile as night approached, only adding to the fantasy of it all. It's exactly as she described it.
