I don't know what to say.
I never do when I'm around her.
And it wouldn't be a big deal, none of this would be except for the fact that I'm running out of time.
My throat closes when I think about her, as if the image of her in my mind is poison slowly seeping through my veins and making my body fall apart.
I'm in the shower, trying to scrub the scent of her off my skin but I can't. She's there, all around me.
Despite the water searing my skin with every splash goosebumps run all over my body. I hug my chest and dig my nails into my arms, clenching my teeth and eyes as if that can somehow block out the pain. Block out the truth.
And the truth is simple. The truth is that she will never look at me the way I look at her. She will never want me.
I grit my teeth, digging my nails deeper into my skin. "Stupid piece of shit." I ram my knee into the wall but don't feel anything. It's not until the 5th or 6th time that it begins to throb and I stop, weakly attempting to muffle the sound of the cry that escapes my lips.
She'll never love you.
God, that statement fucking hurts. Worse than I thought it would.
The walls start to close in on me, I can feel my heart beating against my chest and it's the only thing I can rely on to be there as my vision starts to fade, my knees threatening to give out beneath me.
I'm a coward for not telling her how I feel. But I'd be risking everything. Everything for a girl that does not like me back.
But I can't move on no matter how hard I try. I'm losing my breath with every second that passes, crying into my trembling hands at the mess I feel inside.
And then I feel fingers slip around my arm.
"Hannah? Hey," I hear her groggy voice trying to wake me up even though she isn't even fully awake herself. "Hannah."
My eyes blink open and try to adjust to the darkness of the room. I feel her thumb brush beneath my tired eyes. "You're shaking."
I take in a breath as the pit in my stomach dissipates a little. I quickly pull myself together. "Just a bad dream."
"Well whatever it was sure had a good grip on you. What was it about?"
I avoid her gaze and hesitate before finally whispering. "You."
I glance back just in time to see her eyes widen a little, eyebrows raising. Then she relaxes, a soft smile playing across her lips as she inches closer to me.
"Ah, I get it," she says.
She's on top of me, her warm lips finding their way to my neck. Her voice is muffled but I still hear her. "Because I'm-" kiss. "...such a-" kiss. "scary monster!"
I feel her fingers wriggle their way to my waist and begin to pinch and poke. I laugh and swat her away.
She rolls back over beside me, still laughing to herself. We quiet down and I squirm under the intense gaze of her deep brown eyes locking in on me.
"But seriously, you can talk to me."
I smile warmly at her. "I know. It's just..." I lose my words. Why was it so hard?
"You better spit it out before this monster eats you." She shaped her hands into claws and began honing in on me.
"I'm scared you don't really love me." I blurted it out. Should I have even said that?
Her hands froze mid air, falling back to the bed. Her face contorted into confusion. "Hannah-"
"Hah, actually it's fine!" I roll over quickly to avoid her eyes. To avoid her concern. "It's stupid, really. Just a nightmare like I said."
I tense as I feel her hand on my shoulder. She pushes gently as if to ask me to roll back over. And slowly, I do.
She doesn't say anything. But rather lays so close to me that our faces are just an inch away. I close my eyes just as her lips meet mine. Slow but firm. Soft but fierce. I lean into her, feeling myself untensing.
Hey eyes are heavy when she pulls back. "Hannah," she breathes. "If there's one thing you never have to doubt, it's that."
I press my lips together and give her a small smile. My response isn't anything compared to the comfort she brought me with hers.
"I love you," she whispers. I feel her fingers run through my hair. "I love you I love you I love you. So much."
Her hands grip my waist, pulling me closer to her. I welcome the embrace and curl up into her.
