My feelings and shit

5: Feelings I Guess

My school had a half day today, so I decided to binge Never Have I Ever. I still had like 2 episodes left after everyone went to sleep (I am supposed to be sleeping too) and decided to finish watching them. Now this was just after watching a Madam Secretary episode about Elizabeth and Will's parent's death. Spoilers for NHIV Near the end of the 9th episode we learn that Devi's mom had said that she is not her daughter. At this moment I started crying a little, but it ended as soon as it started. I then finished the tenth and last episode. This episode was extremely unsatisfying since I felt that the aforementioned event in e9 was not talked about nearly enough. Once I finished, I went on a mental rant about this and I somehow started ranting about my own life. This made me cry even more for a couple of minutes until I realized that I didn't have tissues in my room. I went to the bathroom to get the snot off my face, but to do that I had to leave my room which meant stop crying. I forced myself to stop crying and cleaned up, only by then my feelings of crying were so suppressed that I barely even knew they were there in the first place. Now is probably a good time to mention that I barely ever cry and when I do, it is usually for physical injuries not mental/emotional ones. However, for the past year or so, I have wanted to cry to let my feelings out because I felt terrible. But no matter what I tried, I could not cry. When it stopped feeling like I could cry i  the bathroom, I was so angry and upset at my environment for conditioning my mind to never cry, at my parents for making crying a little taboo, and just at myself not HAVING A TISSUE BOX IN MY ROOM. Since I couldn't cry my feelings were stuck inside so I wrote this hoping it would help but it didn't so hopefully I cry soon.