Let's Play

Swing Set

Damien

After Jessika left I spent the remainder of the day sitting on the floor of my son's room, staring at the picture of Elijah and I from the last Halloween I saw him. He had dressed up as Spiderman which was no surprise at all. He loved Spiderman. I wonder if he still does.

I try my best to not think about all the time that I have missed with him. I try not to think about what he might be like now because if I really allow myself to think about that I would be lost in my thoughts forever. The possibilities are endless. But my heart aches for how much I miss him.

I have always tried to distracted myself with work. I needed my business to be as successful as possible. I like to think its for me, but really I want it to be successful for Elijah. I want him to come home and be proud of his dad, and have a legacy that he can inherit one day. I don't want him to worry for anything. I hope he isn't worrying about anything now.

I stayed there on the floor for who knows how long. I didn't move until my dogs started whining, letting me know they needed to go outside. They had been laying with me all day so they deserved some time in the open air.

I walked down the stairs, my aching limbs evidence of how long I had been sitting on the hard floor. I put on my jacket as well as hiking boots and opened the door, the dog pack rushing outside quickly. We headed towards the forest trail in the back as always. I loved the forest in my backyard. It was the perfect place to enjoy nature.

As we walked I found myself thinking of Jessika, and how her hand fit perfectly in mine when we walked on the trail this morning. The small, rational part of my brain missed her, and knew she didn't mean any harm in what she had done today. But the irrational part of me was blind with rage. I don't know how I would ever forgive her. Why she went the length she did to find her way into a locked room, I would never know. And now she probably expects an explanation that I can't give.

Other than the private investigators, lawyers, and PR team that made sure there was no trace of this in the media, there were only a select few people who know about Elijah. Those people were Will, Henry my driver, and Mrs. Williams my housekeeper. They only knew because they had been through it all with me. I didn't have the capability to speak about this out loud to anyone else. Especially not to Jessika. I didn't need her pity.

I fought the urge to scream. I was so angry. Just when I was starting to grow feelings towards another woman it blew up in my face. Women were all the same, and they were only in it for themselves. I knew Jessika wasn't one for feelings, too, yet a part of me hoped maybe it would be different. Maybe I could finally share my love with another. But she didn't love me and I was stupid to even think about the word love. She just wanted to satisfy her curiosity about me. I hope she got what she was looking

After walking for some time we turned a corner and were met with one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen. Jess and I didn't walked this far this morning, I hadn't been ready to show her this place yet.

Before me was an old swing but I took good care of it. There were two seats, one for me and one that had been for my son. The swings hung from a branch of a very large tree, and that tree stood on the shore of a small lake. The sun was setting, casting a pinkish glow over the water and as I took my place on the swing I could feel the spray of the waterfall to my left. There was no place more beautiful and more special than this.

I looked over to the seat on my left, and I could feel my heart breaking into pieces. I shouldn't be sitting here alone. My son should be sitting next to me. But I was all alone and the weight of this loneliness seemed to slam onto my shoulders.

It took me a second to realize that my face wasn't wet because of the waterfall. My face was wet because of my tears. I let myself cry for the first time in a while. I cried for Elijah, hoping he was okay. I cried for myself and at how much I missed him. I cried because of how stupid I was to trust Darla. And now, I also cried because of Jess. I missed her. But I guess I was stupid to trust her, too.

I sat there for a while, crying until I couldn't cry anymore. I swung back and forth like I used to with Elijah. I could almost hear his laugh as I swung higher and higher. "Higher, dad!" he would scream. That boy was fearless.

It was dark by the time the pack and I headed back to the house. I couldn't see very well in the forest at this time of night but the dogs and I had walked this path a million times before. We could walk this with our eyes closed.

We headed and inside and I immediately went to my office. If I wasn't going to spend this day with Jess as I originally planned, I could at least get some work done. I logged onto my computer and instantly went to work. My email and work phone were flooding with notifications from models, photographers, editorials, business partners, etc. I don't think it was possible for me to ever catch up on all of this but I liked the challenge.

I stayed in my office the rest of the night and all of Saturday, only stopping my work to take short naps on the couch. Mrs. Williams had returned on Saturday so she took care of the pack and brought me food every now and then. I wasn't hungry at all but she forced me to eat every bite.

It was late Saturday when she entered my office again, sitting on the couch by my desk. "You only lock yourself in your study when you're upset. What's wrong, my dear."

"Nothing, nothing." I mumbled, my focus still on the email I was typing.

Mrs. Williams sighed loudly, walking over and quickly pressing the power button.

"Hey! I was typing an important-" she leaned over and smacked me in the head before I could finish my sentence. "What was that for?" I asked, rubbing my head angrily.

"You know what that was for. I hate when you mumble and I hate it even more when you lie." She walked back over to the couch and sat down, patting the cushion beside her. "Come here, boy. Talk to me.

I knew better than to piss her off further so I joined her on the couch. I looked down at my hands, not knowing where to start.

"There's a woman. I think I..." I stopped, not knowing what to say.

"You loved her." Mrs. Williams said.

"No, I-"

"You loved her, Damien. I know you did because I haven't seen you that happy coming home from work in years. I know because I haven't seen you this down in years as well. What happened, Damien?"

I let out a sigh of frustration before standing up, pacing back and forth.

"She somehow found the key to get in Elijah's room and she messed with it . She doesn't care about me, she just wanted the information on me."

Mrs. Williams just nodded her head, staying silent for what felt like hours but was probably only a few seconds. "Have you thought that maybe she wanted information BECAUSE she cares about you? That maybe she just wanted to know the man she was falling for? Maybe she took it too far. But you keep convincing yourself that no one truly cares about you because of your fear that they will run away. You push people out of your life before they can even leave. That's no way to live, my son." She stood up and patted me on the back. "Now I'm going home with Henry. For over 40 years we've been madly in love and we haven't left each other. No one who truly loves you ever will."

She turned to leave the room while I just stood there, staring at the floor. I knew she was right, my brain just didn't want to listen.