Rock Bottom (Sequel to How it Happened is Irrelevant)

2

A/n: Dear TJ, I'm so sorry

I remember my shitty promise to Craig. No one can quit the band, even if I can't bare to meet Craig's eyes. I can put on a show for the fans. This cannot get out. I coped with writing dark poetry in secret and silently crying myself to sleep. This carried on for a week. If everyone thought I was a bit of an alcoholic before, they thought I was out of control now. There wasn't a drop of water left in my system. 

Just as I couldn't get any worse, food tasted like shit. I couldn't eat anything. I'd also been essentially fasting for the last week. I was dizzy as hell all of the time, but it's hard to tell if that's because I wasn't eating or if because I was drinking too much. I was practically killing myself, and everyone was letting me because I was also a complete dick. I wasn't allowing myself to be sad in front of anyone, so I just took out anger on anyone who dared speak to me. 

Thrasher sympathized with me for the first two days, but eventually lost his patience. He told me it wasn't the end of the world so many times the words had become a plaque of invalidation tattooed over my heart and brain. 

I'd met up with this lady a day ago at a bar who insisted I take a bottle of pills off her hands. She told me she needed to get off of them, and that she couldn't give them to someone she knew or someone who lived there or else she'd beg for them back. I'd nodded reluctantly. This wasn't my first experience with taking pills that didn't belong to me. The last time this happened, with Kevin's little magic trick, Max caught me. I was smarter than to hide them in my pillow this time. I'd hid the bottle inside my fitted sheet. It wouldn't fall off, and since I wasn't ever expecting any visitors to my bunk any time soon, it was safe. I'd thought of probably thirty different ways to take the pills, but figured I should probably figure out what they are before I do it. It was some drug called Adderall, which I thought was only prescribed. I looked it up on my phone, and it turns out that it was. It was also highly addictive and when injected could be easily overdosed. Too bad I don't have a syringe. 

To make matters even worse, Craig was pretending like nothing between us had changed. He treated me like his friend, but I blew him off every time he tried. It was infuriating to see him so okay with this. But then again, he was the one who'd cut things off with me in the first place. 

Robert was probably the most helpful of my bandmates simply by being the least helpful of my bandmates. He acknowledged the change and accounted for it by not getting involved at all. Sometimes he would give me a glance of sympathy, but he usually kept to himself. This wasn't surprising. 

I tried to think nothing of anything that anyone asked about Craig and I. I was putting on a show, pretending to be fine and happy, but people noticed things were different. They were, but that gave no one the right to start asking questions. 

Either that or the rumors were true, I really did push Craig away by holding on so tight. I tried not to vociferate on the idea, much less allow myself to believe it. Every time I started overthinking it, it lead to more self-destruction. More drinking, more breaking open my knuckles on random surfaces far more durable than human skin, and more writing notes that were borderline suicide. I was sure to keep them hidden as well. The last thing I wanted was for Craig to pity me. The very thought made me sick. 

"Out!" Kevin told me, opening the curtain to my bunk. I'd been hanging out in here all afternoon. I honestly thought that he was going to tell me that it's time for soundcheck or something. "You're eating something before you waist away to nothing."

I rolled my eyes, not moving. "It's not like I've lost any weight. I'll survive."

"I guarantee that you're at least ten to fifteen pounds lighter than you were last week. Now get your ass up and eat something." He pulled my arm but I fought back. 

"I'm FINE!" I snapped, twisting out of his grip. "Just leave me alone until I have to go do something. " I turned so he could only see my back. Kevin wasn't giving up this time. He grabbed me around my waist and pulled me out of my bunk. Maybe I am getting a little lighter... 

Kevin put me down and shook his head. "This is worse than I thought. " Suddenly dizzy, I put my hand on my bunk to keep myself from falling over. "You've gotta eat something. "

"I'm not hungry. " It was only half true. While I couldn't bare to eat, my stomach still continued to beg for something other than alcohol for nourishment. "But I am thirsty." 

Kevin handed me a water bottle I didn't know he had. "Then drink this while I get something else for you to eat. " 

I wrinkled my nose up at the water. "I was thinking something a little stronger. " 

"Robert hid all of the alcohol on the bus. I think he's a little scared of you." Fuck that bastard. I thought he always stayed out of shit like this. 

"And I'm sure everyone else is just ecstatic about that. " 

"I think Craig was the one who gave him the OK. " He shrugged and started to walk away before I could think about what he'd said too hard. How dare Craig keep me away from my only coping method.