Rock Bottom (Sequel to How it Happened is Irrelevant)

5

What are the side effects of Adderall? Primary answer: mood swings. Of course, the others would blame my problem on alcoholism. That's both great news and terrible news. What if they send me to AA? Can they force that? I guess that's something I'd have to talk to Max about. Speaking of Max, I was on my way to meet him. I was nervous because I hadn't seen the guy in a while, but mostly didn't have the energy to feel much of anything else. I entered the ultra-popular coffee store and found him immediately. I sat across from him, for he had a table with two chairs. "Ronnie told me the news, " He started. 

"It's not really news anymore. I'm being over dramatic. " I looked around, too hungry to focus well. 

"You look thin. I mean, you usually look thin, but now you look almost.... Frail. " 

"I'm not frail! " I snapped. "I'm not frail, " I repeated. "I'm just not hungry. " 

"Uh-huh. I know you know Kevin's trying to get you to eat, but is Craig?" 

"His concerns for me are irrelevant since it's his fault I'm in this situation in the first place. " I waved my hand dismissively. 

"And you haven't considered any possible reasons why Craig might've lost interest? " I knew where he was going with this, and my patience was wearing thin. "You smothered him too much, TJ. " 

"I'M A PHYSICALLY AFFECTIONATE DUDE! " I shouted, standing up and slamming my hands on the table. 

"Yes, alright. Now sit down before we get kicked out for making a scene. " Max's tone was relaxed, and somehow it didn't set me off. I did as he said. "But you do understand where I'm coming from, right? Kisses, sex, cuddles, even hand holding, it's not special anymore when you do it too much. Ever think that the reason it's so touchy is because you're insecure? " 

"I can't be insecure. " 

"Why not? " 

"Because I've got nothing to be insecure about. People love me. People tell me I'm beautiful. People want to be around me. What do I have to be insecure about? " 

"I would say losing someone you love but-" 

"Already happened. " I put my elbow on the table and rested my chin on my hand. "And I know why it happened. I just want it to un-happen. " 

Max cringed. "I shouldn't tell you this, but..... There's always the possibility you two could get back together. " 

"Not a chance, " I shook my head. "He'll never like me after he's seen the monster I've become. He thinks I'm even more of an attention-whore than I was before. He thinks everything I'm doing is all a desperate attempt to get his pity. He thinks I'd go so far as to write a suicide note! " 

"Have you? " 

"Well.... Not for him. Dark poetry can border on the lines of suicidal if you let it. " 

He rubbed his temples. "I see. And don't tell me you've somehow acquired drugs too? And your drinking, I presume it's worse than usual? " 

"Obviously but-" 

"And how much of that stuff has anyone actually seen? " 

"Just the drinking. " 

"Then why would-" He stopped talking. 

"Why would what? " 

"I hate to take sides, but it's possible that you're not the only one blowing things out of proportion. " A flash of guilt flickered across his face. "But at the same time, you know that drowning your insecurities in substance and self-loathing makes nothing better." 

"It does make a person feel better, " I sighed. "It's the only thing that does. " 

"You could always consider the wild possibility of trying to be a little happy."

"What would you do?"

Max put his hand on my arm. "I would write a song about it, then I would pretend that nothing ever happened."

"I guess that's why I'm not you. " I slumped lower into my seat. "I just can't believe I was this stupid. " 

"Don't say that. The best thing about the past is that you can't change it. Learning to let go is a part of growing up, and it still applies even in your late twenties. "

"I guess maybe you're right."

He smiled sympathetically. "You don't have to move on right away. Please just promise me you'll start eating though, okay?"

I gave him a dark look, but my empty stomach growled in response, begging me to agree to it. "Okay, I'll try."

Max stood up. "If you ever need anything, just give me a call." He thought for a moment. "Maybe just don't tell people you're coming to see me, though."

I nodded, understanding where he was coming from. "Right. Of course."