Hybristophilia | Kylo Ren x Reader.

Forever and Always.

You knelt down slowly onto the damp grass below you, taking a deep breath in. The cemetery was silent and deserted, the morning air was cool and crisp. You placed a single white rose and a tailor made cigarette at the foot of the headstone. You felt your eyes brim with tears, as you traced your small, shaking fingers along the gold letters engraved in the granite. 

"Three years..." You said out loud. "I still can't believe you are gone...I miss you every single day."

You choked on your sobs, breath uneasy as you tried to find the words. 

"I lay awake at night, thinking you will walk through the door again...I still wear your aftershave and your shirts...and I still make you a coffee every morning...old habit I suppose."

Your tears rolled from your cheeks onto the ground below. 

"I know if you were here right now you would be telling me to keep my chin up and move on, and I'm trying...It's just, it's so hard without you...Flip." 

Just saying his name sent a dagger through your heart. Your first and only love, gone forever.
You stood up on shaky legs and pressed a kiss against the granite.

"I love you, forever and always..."

It had been three years to the day that your fiance was murdered. He was a detective, you knew his job was dangerous, but you never expected to have his partner at your door, telling you he had been fatally shot. You still remembered the pain you felt, how you went into complete shock, falling to the ground in disbelief. The last thing he said to you, 'I love you forever and always' still replayed in your mind every single day. 

Grief is a funny thing, not only did you grieve him, but you grieved for the memories you shared, the memories that you never got to make, the children you never got to meet, the future you would never have. It was like you were drowning in sorrow, the pain never went away. You just learnt how to cope with it.

You had lived with Flip in Colorado Springs, in the house you designed together. Your whole live was there, but when he died you couldn't bring yourself to stay. You sold the house and moved to New York, it was the fresh start that he would have wanted you to have. 

You loved New York, it was full of life and inspiration, it kept you busy. But once you were back in your lonely apartment, you couldn't help but think about him. You kept some of his flannel shirts, you would curl in your favourite one, the black and red checks were his staple look. It was almost as if he was still there with you, the material hugged your skin closely and the smell of his musky aftershave took you right back to a happier time, before the grief.

As you walked away from the cemetery you allowed yourself to cry, just being back in Colorado Springs was painful. But you came back every year, on the anniversary of his death, just to be by his side again. 

...

Your flight back to New York was easy enough, you worked for most of it, going through your schedule for the next day. You worked as a wedding planner, for the elite couples of the city. It was a difficult job, demanding and high pressured, but you loved it. Most of the couples you had worked for were entrepreneurs, celebrities or business tycoons. They never had a budget, so it allowed you the freedom to do whatever you wanted. You were the most sought after planner at the company you worked for, so you were constantly busy and your mind was occupied. But even your job couldn't stop your nightmares, or your crippling fear of falling in love and being hurt again. 

When you made it back to your apartment you watered your house plants and poured yourself a large glass of red wine, then put on the television so the silence wasn't so deafening. You sipped your drink down, too easily, it was definitely a full bottle type of night. Your mind went back to Flip, how you met him. You accidentally backed into his truck one evening, you got out of your car to apologise but he was calm, he laughed and told you not to worry and then you ended up talking for hours over several glasses of red wine. Everything reminded you of him.

You felt your tears resurface, your head hanging low. You thought this pain would never end, it was crippling you, as if he had died only yesterday. Before you were totally consumed by sorrow your phone started to ring. 

"H-hello?" You said, voice quivering.

"Hello babe. Are you okay?" Your assistant Rose said, her voice was like a comfort blanket.

"I'm not okay at all Rose..." You said truthfully, sobbing as you spoke.

"I'm so sorry, I know today is a difficult one for you. Would you like some company?" She asked.

"I'm just going to get some sleep. But i'll see you at the office tomorrow...thank you for calling Rose."

"You don't need to thank me silly. I will see you in the morning. Sweet dreams."

You hung up and finished your glass of wine, you had indeed finished the whole bottle. You took your phone and made your way to your bedroom. You wrapped yourself up in a flannel shirt and laid down in bed, quietly crying yourself to sleep.

...

The next morning you woke up with puffy eyes and a terrible headache.
You got yourself dressed in your usual black pencil skirt and white shirt and stuffed yourself into your pink overcoat. You grabbed your bag, phone, laptop and keys and made your way to the office.