Hybristophilia | Kylo Ren x Reader.

Nightmares.

Five whole days had past since your unimaginable blind date...

You had left the penthouse suite in the early hours of the morning, still wearing your dress and heels from the previous night. You left your underwear in tattered ruins in the trash. Your eyes were puffy and red from your relentless crying and your head pounded from drinking too much prosecco.

You desperately tried to avoid the eyes of the staff at Erso when you hobbled down the spiral staircase like a baby deer. You felt their eyes burning into you, but you couldn't exactly blame them, you looked like a train wreck. Your skin was covered in deep purple welts, your wrists were red raw, your hair and makeup messy and wild. It wasn't your proudest moment to say the least.

You thought about asking Josie, the hostess, for Ben's phone number, or a way to contact him, but that information would definitely be confidential. He had left you whilst you showered and you accepted that you wouldn't be seeing him again, no matter how much you wanted to. You wanted to hate him, you wanted to just forget about the date all together...but you couldn't.

When you made it back to your apartment and got into your own bed you laid in total silence. Your body ached, the lingering feeling of the rough sex you had experienced made you feel sick. You felt cheap and dirty, like he had plucked you from the street and had his way with you, like you were worthless to him. But he was sweet, he'd called you pet names and shown some aspects of comfort, but you decided that was all just a facade to get into your lingerie. But a part of you loved it, you enjoyed him using your body, the pain and the pleasure combined. Plus the multiple orgasms you recieved. It was like you had an angel and a devil on each shoulder, whispering in your ear and confusing you.

You spoke to Rose on the phone about the evening, not divulging into the smutty details, just that you had slept together and he left not long after. She told you not to worry about it, that he was just a typical man, and men were trash. You agreed with her statement but your heart ached. Ben had taken your pain away, it was addictive, the whole time he was controlling your body he was also controlling your mind, taking away your torment. He was like the antidote you had never been able to find. Maybe going out and sleeping with random strangers was the cure, something that would help you forget...but Ben didn't feel like a stranger. 

When you showered the next day you looked at your naked body in your full length mirror. You ass cheeks were bruised, love bites covered your chest and your shoulders, your wrist marks were fading into a yellowish hue. You bit your lip, remembering every feeling, every filthy word that fell from his devilish lips. The way he made you unravel and squirm beneath him. It was like a switch had been flipped in your brain, all of your logic fluttered away, you just wanted him again.

...

You sat at your desk in your office, nursing a large americano, flicking through the pages of your planner. Julia Snoke Consultation - 10AM.

This was it, your chance to impress the most prestigious client you had ever had at Queen of Hearts. Your boss, Amanda Holdo was on your ass about Julia, she wanted you to go all out to secure this client, promising you a hefty amount of commission. You huffed at her words, knowing that you were the best planner at this company, if you couldn't bag the deal then no one could. She couldn't argue with you.

"Julia Snoke." The woman said as she approached your desk, holding out a dainty hand, embellished with blood red nails that were sculpted into a sharp point.

You were stunned, she was dripping in opulence. Her long black hair was neatly styled, slicked back into a tight pony tail that trailed past her shoulder blades. Her eyes were the brightest blue, ice cold. Her face was that of a supermodel, hollow cheeks and pouty lips, flawless skin and perfectly sculpted eyebrows. Her thin, boney body was covered in a rich chocolate fur coat, a tight red dress just peaking through, with fishnet tights and stilettos to finish. She gave off an energy that was stoic and uninviting. You gulped as you shook her hand sheepishly.
"Please have a seat Miss Snoke. Coffee? Tea? Water? Champagne?" You asked, plastering your face in a fake smile.

"Water is fine. Thank you for seeing me, a little later than I would have hoped for...but good things come to those who wait." She scoffed, her tone throwing you off guard.

You handed her a glass of water with a shaky hand, trying to ignore the unease she was making you feel. You had dealt with worse attitudes than this before, but never a client so...infamous.

"I apologise. I have a busy schedule" You said with a nervous laugh. You gulped again, an uncomfortable tension thickening between you. "So, I have put together some plans for you, if you would like to have a look." You mumbled, handing her a binder folder.

She scanned the pages, raising her eyebrow every so often, appearing bored. You listened to her hum, and tut, praying that your hours and hours of work in the folder wouldn't go unnoticed.

"These ideas are...pedestrian...however, the castle, I like." She said, running a long nail over the page. Great, she liked one thing. You wanted the ground to swallow you.

"Perfect, the castle is particularly beautiful in winter time." You muttered, gulping down some coffee to aid your dry throat.

"Wonderful. Now you have met me in the flesh, tell me...what do you envision for my big day?" She asked, putting you on the spot. You took a deep breath and let your gut speak for you.

"I see a gothic church ceremony, and an evening reception at the castle. A horse drawn carriage, candlelight...black and red roses, a white dress, a black veil...orchestral music, ravens, red velvet cake...red silk tents, two grand, black thrones for you and your husband to be..." You blabbered. Julia's eyes were wide and intrigued, a coy smile ghosting her lips.
"And that...is why I chose you, perfect." You breathed a small sigh of relief.

"Great! Well I'll get in contact with the castle and the church and gather some dates for you Miss Snoke." You said, grinning. "Does your fiancé have any requests?"

"My fiancé is a busy man, he has left it all up to me. But I am actually celebrating my birthday next week, I would love you to come as a guest." She beamed, her demeanour softening.

"Oh, that's a very kind offer Miss Snoke but I wouldn't want to impose..." She held up two fingers to silence you.

"No, I won't take no for an answer my dear girl. I'll have the invite sent to you, thank you for your time." She said cheerfully.

She left without another word, turning on her tall heels and clicking the door shut. You were invited to her birthday party...that was good, you couldn't wait to soak up the rich inspiration for her big day. Her husband must be a powerful guy, you shuddered at the thought. Julia herself was tough, headstrong, maybe she wore the trousers.

You called Holdo and Rose into your office after the fleeting visit from Julia. They both began to work tirelessly, phoning locations, florists, organising dates, contacting the best dress designers in the city. You wanted this event to be flawless, you were glad to have such a hard working team helping you behind the scenes.

New Email: Julia Snoke.

'Please join me for my masked ball birthday celebration at the Snoke Manor, Saturday 7pm. You may bring a plus one. See you there, JS.'

You felt excitement rise in your stomach. A masked ball, you'd never been to one before. Julia was quickly turning into your favourite client to date. You of course decided to make Rose your plus one, which she eagerly accepted.

"I'll bring my notebook, no doubt the décor and the theme will reflect her personal tastes, inspiration for the big day." Rose said, giddy with excitement. "I wonder what her fiancé is like."

"I don't know, she didn't really mention him at all." You mumbled.

"Well, whoever he is, he must have balls of steel to be marrying William Snoke's daughter. That guy is involved in some shady shit." Rose said, exaggerating a shiver. 

"I bet he's some old, rich, ass. Just like her father." You both laughed together, closing up the office and parting ways.

...

Another sleepless night, another panic attack, and the nightmare. It was always the same one.

You're eating dinner at your old home, another plate set out in front of you, untouched. Then you hear a blood curdling scream coming from above you. You make your way up the wooden stairs, each one is slick with crimson blood. You walk into the bedroom and you see yourself, on your hands and knees covered in blood, crying over a body.

Flip lays there on the ground, still and cold, covered in fresh blood and deep wounds. You are gripping onto his shirt, trying to wake him up, clawing at his chest in despair. You walk over to yourself and put a hand on your shoulder. Your mirror image turns her head, holding up her bloody hands, and roars in agony.

"This was your fucking fault!"

And then you wake up.

It feels so real every single time, you wake up in a cold sweat, face covered in tears, small clumps of your hair in your hands where you have clawed away at your scalp. You couldn't take it, nothing helped, sleeping pills, alcohol, none of it prevented that horrendous dream from happening.

The words, 'this is your fault' ring in your ears every time you wake. Deep down you did blame yourself for Flips death. You were meant to give him a ride home from the station, his truck was in the garage, but you were you forgot. He got a ride home from a colleague and they were followed by a drunk driver. Ron told you it was a suspected hit and run, the driver must have panicked after crashing into a police car and killed them both, fleeing before he could be caught. You knew you weren't the one who pulled the trigger and Flip wouldn't hold the blame over you if he survived, but if you would have just picked him up like you said you would...he might have still been alive. The entire night of Flips untimely death was a blur, a haze of misery, the nightmares being your one solid reminder that it was real.

You sat up in bed, cradling yourself in your arms. You couldn't live like this anymore. You took your phone in your hands and decided to phone your doctor. You told him that your anti anxiety and depression medication wasn't working, so you wanted try therapy. Your doctor asked you several questions about your mental state that were incredibly pointless, but in the end he agreed that therapy may help you to overcome your crippling PTSD. He sent you through a phone number and email address for a therapist's office downtown, you called them up and exchanged words with a friendly receptionist. She booked you in for the following morning, luckily you had a day off. You really hoped this would help.

...

You gathered your things and left your apartment. It was a warm summer day, so you wore a short baby blue tea dress and sandals. You tried to conceal the bags under your eyes and add some blush to your cheeks, you felt awful on the inside but you wanted to at least look good on the outside. You arrived at the therapist's office and stepped inside, it felt clinical and cold, a smiley receptionist popped her head up from the desk and took your name.

"Please just take a seat in the waiting area, and help yourself to any refreshments." She said sweetly.

You went over to the empty seating area, your palms were already sweaty, instantly regretting this decision. You felt nervous to talk about all the events you had been through in your life. But you knew that this was a what you needed. You needed to go through this to move on.

After several minutes of waiting and a cup of strong coffee, the small red headed receptionist sent you a large room. It was empty, a large oak desk set in the centre, along with a black suede ottoman. You took a seat on it and waited patiently for your therapist to come in, it seemed he was running late. You sat patiently and looked out of the bay window, the sun shining through and warming your skin. Then the door creaked open and you span around to look upon the broad figure. Your eyes went wide and you almost stopped breathing.

"Ben?"