FALLING IN LOVE AGAIN

Starting Over

Neel was not surprised when Saturday he found that Manjari was not home. She was running. Again. The question was where was she hiding? He decided to check the park and a few other places where parents usually spent time with their kids. But there was no sign of them. Where were they?

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Manjari was in Central Park with Amaira They had reached New York City last night and were staying with Abhija- her college friend who was doing her post-doc from Columbia University. Abhija had reached out to her when she had heard that Manjari was going to be in Yale. She had been pressing her to spend a weekend with her and Manjari took that offer now to escape Neel. She was going to be in NYC for a fortnight. Yale would soon close down for Christmas break and she had sent her supervisor an email last night telling her that she would be in NYC for the next two weeks and also requested her to not share her location with anyone. She did not wish to talk to Neel at all. Confrontations were not her forte. She let out a heavy breath, trying to stave off the crushing feelings in the middle of her chest that was making it difficult to breathe. She should be happy. She had avoided Neel. Hopefully, he would stop pursuing her too and life would go back to her pre-Neel times. She should be relieved, but she was not. She looked at Amira who was playing with her new friends unaware of her inner struggle. She felt a familiar sting of tears as she fought the urge to give in to a good cry.This was the moment of truth for her. There was no more denying it or avoiding it. Neel had managed to get under her skin, so much so that he practically lived there. Everything reminded her of him and without him she felt empty. Had she overreacted? Jumped the gun? Could they have made it work? And if yes, at what cost? She did not want to sacrifice her self worth, her integrity again. She was still recovering from the wounds of the past and did not want new injuries. And yet, deep down she knew that she wanted him. Releasing a long breath, she stood up to walk around. It was getting colder and it would be a white Christmas. Christmas spirit was in the air yet there was no joy in her heart.

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Amaira had slept off early today. She and gone to the Christmas Market at the 14th street and had got tired with all the walking. Manjari and Abhija were watching a movie on the laptop. Manjari knew that she owed Abhija an explanation. She had opened her home and heart for her and her daughter and had not asked any questions when she found Manjari crying in the kitchen one morning. She had simply patted rubbed her shoulder, made her some tea and taken Amaira off her hands. Yet she could see the silent questions in her eyes. The movie was a romance and Manjari felt the hollowness inside her heart again. Neel had called her, messaged her, non -stop for the past few days and she was constantly curbing the urge to take his call, to speak to him or respond to his messages. His messages. They were poems. Love poems. Couplets. They came to her a couple of times a day. She scrolled through her messages and read what he had sent her:

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz, or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off. I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul. I love you as the plant that never blooms but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers; thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance, risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body. I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way than this: where I does not exist, nor you, so close that your hand on my chest is my hand, so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep. "

Her breaths started to come in shallow gasps, and she stood up, trying to keep her emotions in check. She knew he would have kept his words and come to her house on Saturday to only find that she was gone. She was still thinking of him when her phone rang. She looked at the phone screen. It was Neel. She rubbed her hands all over her face while the ringing from the phone continued to echo in the room.