Hindi ba pwedeng, ako naman?

I can't love you.

"What brings you here?" I got up from my bed. She closed the door and came near me.

"Rence. I want you." I scoffed. She came here to tell me that? What's gotten in to this snob.

She came nearer. I stiffened the moment she placed her hands on my chest. She looked looked straight to my eyes and I stared at her.

Her next move made my forehead crease. She closed the gap between us by locking her lips with mine.

I dreamt about this moment with her. Dati, iniimagine ko pa kung paano ang mangyayari. Saan. Kelan. At tsaka kung anong pakiramdam. Akala ko kapag nahalikan ko na siya, makakaramdam ako ng sparks. Yung fireworks na sinasabi nila. Akala ko kapag nahalikan ko na siya, magiging sobrang sarap sa pakiramdam. But boy, was I wrong. I felt nothing. Just the softness of her lips but nothing else.

At first I remained motionless but when she roamed her hands under my shirt, I pushed her away.

"What are you doing, Wyn?" I wiped my lips with my hands and ran my fingers through my hair.

She just stood there.

"Rence. Mahal kita." And then she rushed to me and tried to kiss me again.

"Wynona. Ano ba?! Hindi porket dinamayan kita last time eh may gusto na ulit ako sayo." Alam ko harsh ang salita ko pero I have to clear things out.

She must've gotten some wrong signals that day. I comforted her as a friend. No more, no less.

Umupo ako sa kama ko habang nakatayo lang siya sa harap ko. Nakatingin siya sa sahig.

"Naguguluhan ka lang. Alam ko mahal mo padin ako. Hindi pwedeng wala na! You must love me! Me!" She sounded so desperate. Bakit naman ngayon pa nangyayari lahat ng toh.

Umupo siya sa lapag. "I can't love you." Sabi ko.

"Rence. Ano ba? Hindi na ba ako maganda? Hindi na ba ako sexy? Ano?! Sabihin mo naman sakin bakit hindi mo ako kayang mahalin ulit!" Tumingin siya sa akin. Umiiyak. Damn, I hate seeing girls cry.

"You loved me once. Alam ko mamahalin mo ulit ako. Rence, please!" And she cried even harder.

Kahit na wala na akong feelings for her, I still care about her. Ayokong nakikitang umiiyak siya. State the fact na ako pa yung dahilan kung bakit siya nagkakaganyan.

"Wyn. Hindi ko na magagawa yun. Wag ka nang umiyak, please. You're making things hard for me."

"Rence! Answer me! Bakit hindi?!" Gusto kong sabihin na hindi ko naman talaga siya minahal. Akala ko love na yung nararamdaman ko para sakaniya noon pero hindi eh. Hindi talaga. It was just a petty infatuation.

Sumigaw na naman siya. Tumayo ako.

Bigla naman siyang tumayo at tumakbo papunta sa akin.

"Tell me why!" She was about to pound on my chest when I caught her by the arms.

"Because you're not Coleen!" There I said it. Alam ko masasaktan siya sa sinabi ko pero kailangan kong maging honest sa kaniya. Ayokong paasahin siya. Ayokong sabihin na mamahalin ko ulit siya dahil lang sa napipilitan ako. Mas masasaktan ko siya.

Tumingin siya sa akin. Pain apparent in her eyes. Nakatingin kang siya sakin for a solid minute.

"Wyn. Tama na. Stop this." Mahina kong sabi but all she did was stare.

After another good minute, we remained silent hanggang sa nagsalita na siya.

"Coleen? Because I'm not Coleen?" She scoffed. "God, Rence. For how many years, you adored me. Me! You love me! Wala pang Coleen sa buhay mo noon! But you still loved me! Alam ko I was a bitch for not noticing you before but I'm here now. I love you, now. Why can't you just love me back? Ah. Dahil hindi ako si Coleen. Well, fuck her! I'm better than Coleen! I've always been! Bakit kasi lagi nalang siya ang nakikita niyo? Since we were kids, this shit happens!"