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chills ran over karl's skin, feelings of unbearable adoration on the tips of every nerve in his body. he had to stay hush hush, although he desperately wanted to scream his affection out to the entire world. he still wondered how others did it, how they were so confident with something as sensitive as love. was it as easy as it looked or was it too blunt and tapping the outside of boundaries?
heartbeats and cold fingers, begging to be able to take the chance and gamble on some leverage. to cross that boundary and finally meet somewhere in the middle. it wasn't enough to sit in the same room in two separate chairs. it wasn't enough to lean against sapnap and pretend to feel like he'd fall from laughing so hard. it certainly wasn't enough to look over at him and glance at his lips subconsciously and feel lightheaded from his longing. he was using his emotions as a tool, as unfair as it was. this switchblade of a mess was easy to excuse when he made attempts to hug him or touch his hands. it was a way for him to get to practically hold his hand—though mainly distracted by the stains of black on not only fingers, but on a hand of hearts.
what was more unfair was that the moments karl longed for were shared with thousands of people. those private moments where they were so sensitive and quiet that he thought he'd break it if he moved—shared with people he didn't even know. he couldn't get too close despite the show they were very clearly putting on. he could practically feel the heat radiating off of sapnap, wanting to reach out just as much.
tensions were too high to ignore, painful and aching with every passing minute. he could easily ignore the prying, numbered eyes and just take his chances, but he wasn't here for him. no, he was here for empty hearted content, not karl jacobs himself and although it hurt, it was the truth. said man couldn't wait any longer though. he needed touch, he needed his friend to tell him he liked him too, and he definitely needed to burn his passion out on him. if he didn't do any of that soon, he might burst.
it all felt like a dream, one he couldn't have ever imagined to be his reality. it better not stop and if karl had any say in it, it wouldn't. he made up some stupid excuse for them to leave, he wanted freedom from every single screen. it was over as soon as it started, a certain comforting quiet making its return. neither of them made an attempt to ruin the web of silence, letting it scatter to even the darkest corners of the room.
karl only moved to screw the cap of the black nail polish back on, careful to avoid getting any on himself. sapnap had other plans, scooting his chair ever so slightly closer. such an innocent move, but any feelings of burning and fuzziness became worse.
"can i take it off now? it feels weird," he would ask, feeling awkward and out of place to the foreign look. sure, he had no problem with it whatsoever, it just wasn't him.
"if you really want to," karl then took his hand once again, reaching for the acetone that could rub away practically anything—and maybe for a moment karl wondered if he could use it to erase his affection.
"are you okay?" as much as he wanted to ignore it, he felt bad that sapnap held any concerns about him.
"yeah, why wouldn't i be?" karl could barely tell how to feel, every moment that passed made his mind spiral and hurt.
"i don't know, you just seem off.." the subtle hints of distrust with sour undertones threw karl off. he was more worried about his impressions than if he himself was okay.
although he wanted to fix it all, he put away the problem in his back pocket for now and continued to strip away at sapnap's fingernails. that's when he noticed just how oddly their hands would fit together and somehow that was the most perfect thing to him. before, he'd only realized how rough and big his hands were, but now he could barely process what he was doing. karl couldn't stop himself, he slipped his left hand under sapnap's casually as he continued to rub off the polish. he didn't expect anything back, it didn't have to be anything more than platonic—despite how much he wanted it to.
"look how good the black looks with the yellow," karl pointed out, resting his fingers over hidden knuckles. it was true, yellow did compliment black in some weird way and maybe it was some kind of metaphor. that or karl was just so far in his made up world that he only saw the polish as them.
"it's only because you're wearing it," sapnap didn't pull his hand away when the last of the black was wiped away, instead he managed to get his own fingers curled under.
"oh," was the only think karl could say. he wasn't sure whether to be excited or keep his sudden hyper mindset on the down low. he was given an inch and so desperately wanted to take a mile. he knew he shouldn't, but sapnap seemed to be okay with it.
"karl," it went unsaid, there was something there. a force driving the most outrageous emotions forward. for a moment there was an underlying sense of anxiety, though it didn't last long when the overwhelming amount of joy took over.
"yeah?" karl was prepared for anything; mainly rejection, acceptance, or a middle ground. there was nothing for a long while. a heavy atmosphere filled with an undying tension and mildly annoying silence. the unsure confirmation with a similar uncertainty of reality.
"i was serious, it's pretty—you're pretty," and karl was sure his heart stopped or at least time did. he felt like he was in some weird other dimension where anything was possible and no one ever could feel hurt. he couldn't tell if it was fair, did he really deserve this?
"i," he surely knew what he wanted to say, it was on the tip of his tongue, ready to be unleashed in a cowardly fashion,"i-i think you're so much prettier."
"i know it sounds insane, but when i first saw you—like in person—i thought i was going to pass out," sapnap admitted sheepishly, his cheeks flushing to a quaint rose gold. there was not a single sprinkle of doubt when karl saw the serious look on his friend's face. this was real.
"like in a good way?" it was a redundant question, the answer was of course yes. rejection was his biggest fear though.
"only the best way," by now, the nail polish on sapnap's other hand was long forgotten. he pulled karl close, keeping their hands tangled together. untamable love. no matter how strong the word was, it was the only way to describe wild heartbeats and sweaty palms. neither of them made an extreme move, only falling into each other's arms. this was how they wanted to express and it was oddly comforting. karl tucked his nose into the crook of sapnap's neck, pleased with the warmth of the younger's sweater and the smell of his cologne.
"are we still going out for dinner?" sapnap mumbled into karl's hair, basking in the now soft and tension free air.
"only if you want to," karl wasn't going to force them out of their position. he was comfortable and found no reason to fight that.
"can we stay here, i don't want to leave this," karl could practically hear sapnap's heart and the careful way it thumped every few seconds. for once, he thought the latter had come up with the greatest idea ever. staying in his perfect embrace was way better than leaving the house.
"we'll have to order something then," karl suggested, holding onto sapnap's shirt just a bit tighter. he truly was appreciating every second.
"let's do it then," they agreed, only letting go to make some orders. despite how awkward they both were for the rest of the night, there was an unsaid comfort that trailed. even if karl would never say his affection straight to sapnap's face, at least he was able to get a taste of an imaginary future with him.
